The Saga Begins
by Marty1
Summary: (RanKen) A close call, communal yakisoba noodles, a really good movie, a night in the bathroom, and Youji's keen deductive reasoning skills all play a part in building true love and better yet, true acceptance. Re-posted after a year of being nowhere.
1. Tired of Shit

The Saga Begins

"A long, long time ago… in a galaxy far away, Naboo was under an attack…." I sing under my breath. American parody songs are my latest favorite thing. I've had this one stuck in my head all day and now I am sitting on a roof, in the cold with nothing to do but sing to myself.

"Urusai1," I hear Aya's voice growl over the headset.

"Excuse me for living. I'd hate to distract you from not having a sense of humor. Pity if you laughed now and had to start over from scratch. Years of emotional seclusion washed down the drain," I say sarcastically.

"It was funny the first ten times I heard it blaring from your room. The charm is gone." There is a pause, then, "Hold on, I'm gonna have to kill this guy." I hear the unmistakable sound of Aya's katana gutting something soft and sloppy. The charm of hearing that is gone as well, but so is the emotional baggage that used to go with every kill. It's all just routine now.

"As I was saying, it got boring a long time ago. So either shut up or… no just shut up."

"It's not my fault I got the boring part of this mission. Let's see… 'Aya, go and kill some guys in this building, Youji, you and Omi go to the other side of town and play with a super computer until you suck it dry of all pertinent information and then blow it up, oh…and Ken, go with Aya and sit on the roof incase something goes wrong.' Why do I always have to sit on the god damned roof?! I don't even get a little computer like Omi does. At least then I could play solitaire or something. All I get is this little tracking map readout thing. Hey, I can see you, I can see you… no, no, not –that- way, why the Hell would you turn –that- way?" I say just to be annoying.

I can practically hear Aya glaring at me through the headset. He snorts. I let the silence hang between us for a few minutes and then start up again. "I dedicate this to you, Abyssinian," I say before going into a rendition of _Secret Asian __Man_.

"Shut up, Siberian."

"La la la, I can't hear you! Secret Asian Man… secret Asian man…!"

"I'm going to kill you."

"I'd like to see you try." I go on singing.

"I mean it. Shut up, Siberian. I'm almost therem I need to concentrate."

"Ok. Ok." I shut up and pick at my claws. I can hear Aya breathing through the headpiece. I hear him pause. I hear him pick a lock; the lock gives and I hear the door swing open. I watch him move on the little tracking screen I hold in my hand. It's such outdated technology. It's got a green-screen for the love of God. Aya is a very advanced looking red dot. He pulses. Ooh, aah. If I didn't have it set to mute it would go, 'blip, blip, blip.' 

I'm so not into this mission.

I can hear muffled, indistinguishable sounds through the headset and then, "Shiii-ne!" Scream, swish, splat. More screaming, swish, swish, and splatter. And a final swish for good measure. 

"Shit."

Aya said 'shit.' My ears prick up. "What?"  I look on the green-screen. Aya's not moving. "Abyssinian what is it?" I ask, slightly concerned.

"Shit," he grates. I can hear the emotions in his voice. Anger, disbelief, and fear. "Siberian…."

I hear the unmistakable crack of gunfire. Once, twice, and then an earsplitting electronic screech as the headset cuts to static. I'm cut off. I'm cut off from Aya! What the hell am I going to do? Panic! Wait, that's not right… I'm supposed to be here in case something goes wrong… and something has gone wrong. I scream Aya's name over the head set just in case he can still hear on his end. I'll let him know I'm on my way.

There's no response so I rip the earpiece out and toss it down onto the roof. I look at the green screen. Aya is still blipping away happily. I scan the screen for information. Floor 36, suite 3610. I push a button and the screen zooms out to give me an entire layout. I push a button on my watch and the screen cuts to a layout of the roof where I am now a happily blinking red dot. I race across the roof and kick in the fire escape door. I have no idea if kicking it in was necessary, but it seemed like the way to go. I rush down the stairs past floor 40, 39, 38, 37. I stop at floor 36 and try the handle. It's locked. Perfect. I attempt to kick it in. I succeed in bending the handle. 

"Shit!" I hiss.

I am totally wasting time. Aya could be dead by now. I'm seized by the image of Aya lying in a pool of blood as some asshole lackey with an over developed libido stands over him with a gun. I cry out in frustration and bang myself against the door. I manage to bruise my shoulder. My heart is beating so fast that it feels like my chest is going to burst open. Why the hell had this been so badly executed?! Why couldn't I get the damn door open?! I yell again and begin to pound my fists against the door. 

"Aya, you can't die! Argh!"

I then remember that I am a professional assassin. I pull myself together and cease to bang on the door. I look around for a ventilation shaft or something. Wait… I have industrial strength lock picks around here somewhere. I pull off my claw and reach into my pocket. There they are, so nice to have the reassuring weight of cold steel in one's hand. What the hell am I doing?! I'm wasting time!

I fiddle with the lock, my hands shaking, sending the picks to jangling. Five seconds later I throw the door open and turn left, tearing down the dark hallway before me. I slip my claw glove back on and glance down at the map screen thingy. I see me, moving very fast and that's about it. Shit! Where the hell is Aya?! I fumble as I run and try to push the zoom-out button. Finally I get it and can see the other blinking dot. And it's in the opposite direction that I am running.

"Typical, Hidaka, give you a 50/50 % chance and you'll pick the wrong direction," I hiss under my breath. Spinning around and streak off the way I came. I can't get the image of dead Aya out of my head. I start to breathe rapidly. Too rapidly. I could hyperventilate if I keep this up. Then my mind goes to Aya not dead, but dying and me wasting time. I could save his life! Maybe the ass-hole who shot at him is the type of person who gives a long, self-gratifying speech before he kills people. Maybe he's toying with Aya at this very moment! Maybe I can get there just in time and stop him… maybe I've already wasted too much time, maybe I'll get there just a split second too late. The image of me bursting into the room just as Aya takes another shot, his eyes fixed on me, dying with a sudden glint of unrequited hope tears at my gut. I force myself to run faster.

3608…3609… 3610! I throw all of my weight against the closed door and burst into the room fully expecting to see Aya in a pool of blood on the floor. But the room is dark and empty, eerily silent.  Frantically I pull out the tracking screen again.  There's the dot… I need to get to the bedroom. 

I rush through the apartment. I kick another door in. I freeze in my tracks, claws out, hand raised. 

Indigo eyes, iridescent, catching what tiny amount of light the room offers look at me flatly.  One thin, artful eyebrow arches slowly.  He's standing over a newly carved up body cleaning his katana with a piece of bed sheet. I gulp air into my burning lungs and stare at him with wide, scared eyes.

"Siberian? What are you doing?" he asks slowly.

"I… I was supposed to… if there was trouble. I heard the shots and then… the headset cut out…."

Aya looks back and forth from me to the body beneath him. He reaches up and tugs the tiny headset off. He looks at it. It's snapped in two. He hadn't even noticed. 

"Hn, must have broken when I rolled to dodge the first bullet. Not that I needed to… I admit he threw me off at first… but turned out to be a lousy shot."

An unexpected, totally unprecedented wave of relief sweeps over me. Before I know what I'm doing I leap forward and spring over the first body, throwing myself into Aya. I wrap my arms around his body and squeeze him as tightly as I can. That squeaking sound of leather. My hands tighten around fistfuls of his coat. "Thank God!" I cry. I start laughing strangely into his shoulder.

Aya goes rigid like a statue. He drops his katana. For a few moments we just stand there like that. I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I mean, I know I'm glad Aya didn't get shot, but what the hell am I doing with my arms wrapped around him? It's a little overkill, but my rational brain can't get my hands to let go. And why the hell is he just standing there? Why isn't he pushing me away, smacking me, acting like Aya? He should. I expect him to. Nothing happens.

"Ken, what are you doing?" he asks hoarsely after a few moments, using my name, dropping the mission formality of 'Siberian.'

"I have no idea," I say still laughing, "I'm just so glad that you didn't get hurt… I was so afraid that something had happened. And I couldn't get here fast enough…." I break off, choking on my own words.

Then the really unexpected happens. Aya reaches up and pats my back, in a condescending, 'hope-you-aren't-going-crazy' kinda way, but still, it's contact. "I think you should get off me now, Ken."

I nod and let him go, stepping backwards, careful not to fall over the mangled body on the floor.  

I try not to look at Aya. I feel really self-conscious all of a sudden. When I do look up I expect Aya to be pissed or ignoring me. Instead he looks vaguely confused. He glances at me, opens his mouth, shuts it, looks away, and then picks up his katana. He sheathes it and then steps over the bodies on his way out the door. I follow after him. I hang back slightly.

That was really weird.

We leave by way of the fire stairs. Aya notes the number I worked over on the door handle and shakes his head. We don't say anything on the way back to the Koneko, there really isn't much to say. Mission accomplished. I'm calling it victory.

When we get back I let Aya take a shower first. He's the one who did all the dirty work after all. He knocks on my door once on his way down the hall to let me know when he's done. I jump up and rush to the bathroom. It's still all steamy from Aya's shower. It smells like him, and the faintest traces of blood. I breathe in the humid air and let the feel of it fill my body. I almost don't want to take a shower now, because then I'll chase away this lingering feel of Aya. Wait… what the hell am I talking about?

Lingering feel of Aya? What is wrong with me?! I sniff my pits. Screw that, I stink.

Angry with myself for my stupid trains of thought I savagely turn on the shower and strip. I wink at myself in the mirror. "Hey, sexy." I flex, I can't help it. Stepping into the shower I let the hot water flow over my body and chase away all the tension and dirt. I stand there, just thinking about nothing. I haven't even started to wash my hair when I hear a sharp rap on the door.

"You're running up the water bill," Aya snaps from other side of the door.

"Cheap!" I yell back. I shampoo quickly and then run the soap over my body. I rinse and step out of the shower. "Happy?"

"Thank you," comes the dry reply from beyond the door. I roll my eyes. I towel off, wrap the towel around my waist and then walk out of the bathroom. Aya looks up from the table where he's reading the paper. He looks me up and down as I stand in the hallway in nothing but a towel. He seems to be considering something, but his eyes betray no emotion.

"What?" I snap.

He looks up at my face and shrugs. I stare back waiting for him to say something. He doesn't. "That's it? Just," I imitate his shrug.

"Yeah, that's it. Go put some clothes on, Ken."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever." I saunter down the hallway, my dirty clothes tucked up under my arm. For some reason I wonder if Aya is watching me.

I open the door to my room and turn on the light next to my bed. I whip off the towel and dump it in a pile with the rest of my dirty laundry… I should really do something about that pile. I go to my dresser and pull out a pair of clean boxers. They've got little glow in the dark alien heads on them. Cool, I thought I'd lost these. I pull them on over my skinny hips. Should my hips be that skinny? I turn to look in the mirror. I pat my flat tummy. Does it matter? No. I pull open another drawer and rummage around until I find one of my old goalie shirts. It's got some crazy colors going on. I yank it over my head.

I grab my Discman and flop down on my bed, plug the earphones into my head and press play. I am disturbed to hear **Kinky Kids** snap to life. Ugh! I sit up and grumble. That's right. I let Omi borrow my Discman last time his went on the fritz. I make a mental note to ream Omi about his taste in music. Might as well be listening to **Morning Musume. Bleh. _Love Machine? I think not._**

I decide that I really don't want to find my CD case, so I lie back down and give into the **Kinky Kids. A few minutes later I hear someone knocking on my door through the peppy tones of _Kinky Kids Forever.  As I sit up Aya pushes my door open and stands there in his loose pajama bottoms and faded white undershirt, arms crossed across his chest. I wonder how he manages to make pajamas look so good._**

I pull one earphone out. "Yeah?"

"Youji just called to check in. He says that Omi has developed an intimate relationship with the computer and that he can't tear him away. Apparently Omi is refusing to let Youji destroy it, so it looks like they're going to be a little later than originally planned."

I chuckle. "That kid needs a life… or a woman."

"Hn," Aya nods. I lay back down, expecting him to leave. The unsettling feeling of being watched still hangs in the air and I realize he's still standing in the doorway. I look over at him and wait. He doesn't say anything. My feet start to twitch to the music still playing in one ear.

"Do you need something?" I ask after a moment.

"Mind if I come in?"

My face must betray my disbelief because Aya adds, "I want to talk to you about something."

I sit up again and turn off my Discman. He's probably going to ream me for overreacting tonight. One of those, 'gotta-keep-my-professional-demeanor- and-cool-head' talks. Leader duty stuff. I sigh. "Yeah sure, come in."

To my surprise Aya closes the door behind him, which is weird seeing as no one else is home. Force of habit, I suppose. He walks to the edge of my bed and then to my complete surprise sits down. He leans back casually on his elbows. He looks up at the ceiling. I pull my legs up to my body.

Aya's never just come into my room to hang out. Youji, Omi, sure they come in all the time. But Aya isn't exactly the hang out in your room type. If he hangs out anywhere it's in his own room… alone. I have no idea what to say to him. I set my Discman on the table by my bed.

He leans all the way back and stretches his arms out over his head. When he brings his hands back up one of them touches my foot. The contact creates this weird tingling feeling that makes me want to wiggle my toes, but I don't. I blink. He just lies there, one hand sticking out off the end of my bed, the other touching my foot lightly. If it was Omi or Youji I wouldn't even notice the touch, but Aya is not Omi or Youji… he's Aya. I'm not sure if he notices, but I think he probably does.

"What did you want to talk about?" I ask suddenly. My voice sounds too loud in my own ears. Aya looks over at me and pulls his arms in, rolling over onto his side. He props himself up on one elbow. He looks at me intensely.

"I've been thinking, Ken," he begins slowly. "About earlier tonight. The way you reacted back in that apartment."

I can feel my stomach twisting around. That was totally embarrassing. Here we go, Aya's going to chew me out for being a freak. I'd better get my two cents in now before he really lets into me. 

"Hey, look," I break in. "I don't know what was wrong with me. I was pretty squirrelly all day, so just forget it. I know it was totally unprofessional and lame, but I really was freaking out. I mean I thought you'd been shot, so keep that in mind as you rip me a new one."

Aya looks up at me with passive, dark eyes. "I wasn't going to rip you a new one, Ken. I was going to say thank you. I know I can be a real ass- hole, but thank you for caring."

I stare at Aya for a few seconds and then blurt out, "What?!"

Aya starts to trace patterns on my bed cover with his index finger. "Just listen for a second, because I'm not going to say this more than once. Once is hard enough," he growls. I stare back at him and nod. "I realized something tonight. When you… hugged me -as strange and disconcerting as it was- you made me realize that I can't go on like this."

"Like what?"

"Ken, shut up and listen," Aya snaps. "I realized that I have to let it go, this person that I've created, this emptiness that I have allowed to eat me. I have to let them go. Takatori is dead, Aya-chan is fine, the world turns, I have to move on. I can't live alone inside myself anymore. It's shit. I'm tired of shit."

I look at Aya like he might turn into a pumpkin at the strike of midnight. "Just like that. You've been obsessed with shutting the world out for all these years and just like that you decide, 'oh, wait, that's not what I want?'"

Aya looks up at me and actually smiles a real smile, "Yeah, Ken, just like that. Weird, huh?"

"Yeah, just slightly. And I did this? Because I hugged you?"

Aya thinks this over for a minute. "You have to understand something, Ken. I like you. I really like you. You're good with kids, you're kind to people you don't even know, you sacrifice for others, and you have the balls to honestly care. Out of all the members of Weiβ I admire you the most."

I think I'm starting to blush.

I expect Aya to go on, but he just leaves it at that. I feel strange. It's too much, too much information from Aya. Too much Aya emotion to process at once. It was bad enough that I spazzed out and threw myself on him earlier, but now him lying on my bed talking about his feelings is kinda frightening. But at the same time it feels really good. It feels good that he wants to tell -me-. He came to -me-. He said that I was the one who opened up this floodgate. And I feel really good, but wary for some reason.

"So, what do you want me to do?" I ask, not able to think of anything else to say.

"I want you to help me, Ken."

I blink and pull my legs closer. "How exactly?" I ask.  There must be a hint of skepticism or something in my voice, because his eyes narrow for a moment and then he looks away.

Silent moments pass and then he shrugs. "Forget it."

I'm losing him. He's receding back into that dank hole he lives in. Not as if I'm being mister encouraging, but there's something about Aya that makes me nervous. It makes everybody nervous. Still, he wouldn't have brought it up, went through all the trouble to get this far if he wasn't serious. I know I have to do my part to egg him on. I uncurl one of my legs and push against his shoulder with my toe. "C'mon, Aya. Tell me what you want me to do. You know I'd do anything to help… any one of you guys."

He looks over at my foot like he might just rip it off my leg and leave nothing but a bloody stump. I over stepped my bounds. But then he suddenly smiles and just shoves it away roughly, playfully. He flips over onto his back and sighs. "Just that, Ken, just like that. I want you to be yourself. I'm tired of people pussy footing around me. Don't be afraid of me, Ken. That's what I want. Treat me like you treat Youji and Omi."

I scratch my head. "Jesus, Aya-kun. So you want me to harass you, call you names, tackle you from the back of the couch, call you a lecher, and tease you for being girly?"

He glares at me. "In a sense."

I fake enlightenment and nod my head. "Ooh, I get it, you want me to treat you like a friend," I snap my fingers, "duh!"

"I'm serious Ken. I can't keep living this way. I can get better, but I can't do it all alone."

"Well… we're all here for you, Aya. It's not like we wouldn't put all of our necks on the line for you. I mean, why ask me? Not like I'm such a prize," I say, snorting.

"Don't depreciate your value, Ken," Aya says seriously. He locks those eyes of his on me. Why is my heart racing? I stare back, but I can't keep looking at him for too long, it's too intense. I look down at my knees.

"Do we have a deal? Will you save my soul, Ken-kun?" this last comment is said in jest, but I feel the weight of the words nonetheless.

I smile broadly and nod, "Deal, Aya-kun." I hold out my hand and he reaches up to shake it. I lean back against my pillows and Aya remains lying across the foot of my bed. Now what?

  


* * *

1 _Urusai_ literally means "noisy" but basically means "shut up"

Comments: Contrary to popular belief I'm not dead. I'm just very unproductive. Ever since I took Creative Writing this past spring semester I've been very pensive about my writing in general. Not sure why. Besides that this summer was very evil with me working 13 hour long days starting at 6:20 AM and packing up my house for the impending move of doom. Anyway. I've been saying that I will put this story back up for the past… well almost a year now. And look I finally got around to doing it! Aren't you excited? -_- So here it is, **The Saga Begins, slightly revamped and if nothing else dusted off a bit. Enjoy. Especially Mako-chan since you've been asking me to do this for so long. *huggles* Anyway, I am hoping to coax myself into getting back into writing some stuff for the fun of it, so stayed tuned, but don't hold your breath. LOL. **

Disclaimer: As much as I have used and abused them the boys are still not mine.


	2. Figure it Out

I stare out the window of the flower shop. Good Lord, it's a miserable day out there. Nothing but rain and clouds and more rain and more clouds and… yeah. But at least the miserable weather keeps the high school girls away. On days like this they all just hurry home to avoid getting soaked since they can't all fit in here at once. It's the small miracles that really hit home.

I sigh and then go back to watering plants. Lately it seems like my entire life is completely composed of me watering plants. Big plants, little plants, hanging plants, shrubby plants, even really ugly plants, I've watered them all. And I do it every day. Almost everyday.

When I'm done watering the plants I turn off the shop hose and stretch. I retie my apron strings for the fifth time in the last two hours and then look over at Aya. He's sitting behind the counter leafing through a seed catalog. It's almost re-order time. His hair falls in his face over the geeky reading glasses he wears. I love it when he wears his glasses. I like it when I can watch him and he doesn't know. 

I pause to consider Aya for a moment.

Things haven't really been all that different since we had that talk, and yet they have. I mean life goes on. We work in the flower shop and we take missions and we kill people and then go out for Chinese food. It's all pretty much the same. Even Aya seems the same. He's still quiet, introverted, often grumpy, and stand offish, but he tries. See watch this.

I pick a deadhead off of one of the plants near me and throw it at Aya's head. It hits exactly where I want it to and bounces lifelessly to the counter in front of him. He glares at it and then picks it up. He holds it in one hand and takes off his glasses with the other. His eyes flick up to see me pretending to act innocent a few yards away. He slips his glasses onto his head, up above his bangs, and then throws the flower back at me. It hits me square between the eyes and I giggle. Aya slips his glasses back down onto his nose and goes back to his catalog.

Nothing too exciting, except that this is _Aya_ we're talking about. I would never have goofed around with him before, because I know that all I would have gotten in response was the patented Aya Fujimaya 'why-do-you-bother-to-exist?' glare. Don't get me wrong, his glares of death are far from history, but they are less potent now.

It's not like Aya is a changed man. Not by a long shot. He's never going to be sweetness and light, but he's a person now. His emotions come and go as easily as anyone's. He actually takes the time to laugh at Youji's jokes and he listens with more than half an ear to Omi's heartbreaking tales of woe and trauma in High School life. He comes and sits with us and watches movies and eats popcorn and makes tea (Aya makes some damned fine tea). Basically the only thing that's different about Aya is that he's normal. Well as normal as any of us, but you get what I mean.

I walk over to where Omi is staring at our Night Blooming Cirrus. He's been watching its one, fat, pink, vile looking bud for days with endless fascination. I put a hand on his shoulder. "So, Omittchi, is it doing anything yet?"

"Oh, yes. It's gotten much bigger since we closed yesterday. See how the bud's petals are beginning to gap around each other? It's going to open tonight! And I am going to sit here and watch it," he says in breathless excitement. I've never understood how Omi can actually enjoy being a florist.

I open my mouth to say something intelligent, but all I can manage is, "Wow."

I stretch.

"Will you sit up and watch it with me, Ken-kun?"

"Um… tempting, but… no," I say.

"What about you, Aya-kun? Will you stay up and watch it with me?" Omi calls over his shoulder.

Aya looks up from the catalog and furrows his brows. He's thinking. "I'll have to pass, Omi."

"Awww, you guys are no fun!" he says, pouting.

"Don't worry, Omittchi, you'll have your laptop to keep you company," I say patting his shoulder.

"Yeah, that's true," he says turning his attention back to the weird looking plant.

I am slightly disturbed by the fact that he agreed with me so heartily. I walk back towards Aya and lean my elbows on the counter, putting my chin in my hands. "Aya-kun, this is boring."

"Mmhm."

"It's not fair that Youji got the most boring day off. He always lucks out. He gets all the girls and he gets the good days off."

"C'est la vie," Aya says flatly. "Do you think we should order extra dahlia bulbs?" he asks suddenly looking up. His eyes peer into mine over the rim of his glasses and I'm stuck. Stuck in the world of Aya. I smile slightly, the corners of my mouth tugging upwards awkwardly.

There's something about him. Something I can't explain. I was having weird thoughts about Aya before… before that night when I freaked out and threw myself on him in relief. But now I'm having even weirder thoughts. But these thoughts aren't superficial anymore; they aren't just amusing or quirky. I'm beginning to take my thoughts seriously, and I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

I like the way his face lingers in my mind's eye. I love making him laugh, making him smile… smile for me. The Aya-kun with feelings is a million times more charming than the Aya-kun without them, but somehow he hasn't lost his dark, mysterious demeanor either. Not to mention the fact that he smells really good. Not like I should take any of this seriously.

It's all just shits and giggles, right? Right. So then why do I jump when he touches my arm and says, "Why are you staring at me like that?"

I snap to, "Staring like what?" My stomach tightens.

"Like you aren't paying any attention to what I'm saying."

Inwardly I sigh in relief. "Um… cause I'm not, sorry. What were you saying?"

He raises an eyebrow and glares at me. "I wanted to know if you thought we should order extra dahlias."

I think this over for a moment to make it look like I care. "Sure, why not? Everybody loves dahlias."

He looks back down at the catalog and makes a mark in it with his black pen. So efficient. "Ok."

I keep looking at the top of his head as he goes back to perusing the catalog. "Na, Aya?"

"Hn?"

"You wanna rent a movie tonight and make some yakisoba?"

"Sure."

"Hey, you guys, that's not fair," Omi whines from his post by the plant. "I want to, too!"

"Well it's your own damn fault for becoming obsessed with that ugly plant. You have to choose. Dinner and a movie or the plant," I say, turning to look at him.

He looks pained. This is obviously a big decision in Omi's life. It's us versus the Night Blooming Cirrus. He gives the quivering pink bud another longing glance and then crumbles. He sighs, "I must stay with the plant. She needs someone to revel in the fruits of her labor."

"Suit yourself," I chime. Not that I'm glad he decided to stay in the shop... I love the kid, but I wouldn't mind a quiet night in with just Aya- kun. Omi can get so spazzy. Especially if we watch action movies. Then he's up and all over the living room, knocking over chairs and giving anything that moves the take down. Come to think of it it's even worse if we watch a chick flick; the kid's got the water works on the whole time. I've never seen anything like it.

Anyway since Youji is most likely going to pull an all-nighter with his latest fling, it looks like it's just Aya and me. I grin and stretch again. Now if I can just survive the afternoon.

By the time we finally close up shop the rain has stopped, but the sky is still cloudy. Aya and I leave Omi on his stool by the Night Blooming Cirrus and walk together out into the cool evening. The air is damp and heavy and clings to our clothes, making it seem that much colder. I splash through the puddles, splashing him on purpose.

"Ugh, what are you five?" he asks, but without bitterness.

I laugh maniacally and race ahead, loving the fact that I am free of the Koneko. I pause by a street lamp to wait for Aya. He catches up and we keep walking. First we stop at the movie store. The tiny one on the corner, the one that smells weird. We spend fifteen minutes trying to decide what to rent.

"Ah! This one, we –have- to see this one!"

Aya eyes me nervously and peers at the box in my hand. "_Brother? Why? What's it about?"_

"Umm… a street gang in LA, I think. But the leader is this ex-Yakuza family member and he all takes over and turns these punk-ass Americans into…."

Aya is looking at me with a raised eyebrow. He's not convinced.

"It's got Beat Takeshi in it! He starred in it and directed it, and Joe Hisaishi did the score! What more could you possibly ask for?!" I cry.

Aya sighs and takes it from me. He heads for the counter. The clerk girl makes a valiant attempt to flirt with him, but she was destined to crash a burn before she even got started. Aya takes the movie coolly and we exit the store.

Next stop is the seedy grocery store across the street. We need yakisoba noodles and we're out of milk too. Of course by the time we leave we have not only yakisoba noodles and milk, but three bags of flavored dried snack fish, potato things, two bags of umiboshi*, chocolate ice cream, the makings of mochi, a bag of dried octopus strips, and s bag of seaweed for me to snack on. I take some seaweed out of the bag on the way home and let it get soft on my tongue. I then spread it over my teeth and grin at Aya.

"Real cute, Ken."

"Well, I thought so," I say laughing. I suck the seaweed off my teeth and eat it. I hold out the bag. "You want some, Aya-kun?"

He looks over at it and makes a gag reflex. "Too salty."

"Suit yourself," I say happily pulling out another piece. I crunch it loudly between my teeth. "Mmm."

When we get back we wave to Omi who is still doting over his ladylove and then scoot upstairs. Aya gets to work on the yakisoba and I… well I watch him. I watch as he pushes up his sleeves and then I watch his pale forearms flex as he stirs the noodles in the pan and adds this and that. It's fascinating. I chatter away at him about nothing in particular. He seems content to listen.

When he's done he pours all of the noodles into a big bowl and piles the dishes he's used in the sink. "It's still really hot," he says blandly.

I nod. "Ok. Well, I'm going to go and get in my P.Js to watch the movie."

"Good idea." We both trundle up the stairs and into our respective rooms. Ten seconds later we're walking back out and down the stairs wearing our pajama bottoms and faded t-shirts.

"I'll grab the yakisoba, you grab the chopsticks," I say taking the whole bowl with me into the living room.

"Ken, we need bowls," Aya calls after me.

"No we don't. Live dangerously, Aya-kun. Enjoy the rush of communal eating."

He grumbles but comes after me with our chopsticks anyway. I put in the movie and then plop down next to him on the couch. We sandwich the noodles between us and go at it. As the previews end and the movie comes on I get up to turn off all the lights. Movies are always best when viewed in the dark.

We sit and watch. We eat, pulling the bowl back and forth, bending our faces over the noodles so as not to drop any, play fighting with our chopsticks as we both try to get the same noodles at the same time.  I would never have thought that Aya could giggle so well.  

When we are done eating I set the bowl on the floor with our chopsticks in it. This is the best movie I've ever seen. It's totally awesome. Guys cutting off their fingers, guys committing seppuku, black American's talking slang (it's hard to follow, but I like the way it sounds), stuff blowing up, guns, really nice suits, and of course Beat Takeshi being a bad ass.

My head falls sideways onto Aya's shoulder. He doesn't seem to mind so I let it stay there. The movie is beginning to get heavy. "They shouldn't have screwed with the mafia," I murmur. "This is really good."

"Yeah, but the violence just isn't convincing anymore."

I laugh hollowly. "That's true. It's sad that we can actually say, 'hey, that is NOT was a guy getting gutted with a kitchen knife looks like!'"

"Hn." Aya shifts his arm like he's uncomfortable so I sit up again. He looks over at me. There's something in his eyes. What is it? Relief, disappointment? No, more just a question. He turns away and goes back to watching the movie. I watch the dance of light from the screen play across his face. It's lurid, but enchanting. It's almost the end of the movie. The black American is driving away in the car. He says, "I love you, Aniki, wherever you at. I love you my brother!"

Aya smiles sadly, he's touched.

I'm struck by an overwhelming impulse. 

I reach over, placing my hand on his cheek, turning his face towards me. He turns, not resisting, curious as to what I want. I lean towards him and press my lips to his, my eyes flutter closed. I have no idea what I'm doing. No, I know exactly what I am doing, I am kissing Aya, but as to why I am doing it, that is another matter altogether. But somewhere I think I might even know that.

The kiss isn't anything to write home about. It's just my lips on his lips. I have to admit it's kinda sloppy. It only lasts a couple seconds and then I pull away.

As my eyes open again I can see Aya's face barely illuminated by the light of the rolling credits.  His eyes glow like the eyes of cat, throwing the light back at me.  He doesn't blink, he sits there, unmoving, staring at me.  It's too dark to see his expression, but I can see it in my mind's eye well enough.  Utter disbelief, shock, disgust… all of that most likely.  

At this point the enormity of what I have just done hits me. I can feel myself blushing furiously. I wipe at my mouth with the back of my hand and stare down into my lap. Before I can meet his eyes again, before he can say anything or be repulsed by me I stand up.

"Excuse me," I whisper and then walk away. I don't even look back at him, but I know he's just sitting there. I close my door behind me and go to sit on my bed.

I sit there for a few minutes. My mind is utterly blank except for the remnants of that kiss. My lips still tingle, still burn from that brief contact. In a way I want to stay with that feeling for the rest of the night.

Then the wheels start to turn, the processor kicks in.

Holy shit! I kissed Aya! That means… that means… I must have -feelings- for Aya. Well, duh, Ken as if that wasn't blatantly obvious before hand. Yeah, but now it's irrevocable, I can't just be all, la de da, isn't my crush on Aya cute? 'Cause it's not! It's heavy. This… this isn't right. What the hell was I thinking?! Now Aya's going to be seriously pissed! Wait a sec… if I have feelings for Aya… and Aya's a guy… does that mean I'm gay? Um… well… I guess so. At least… no wait a second! All human beings have bisexual tendencies… I read that somewhere. So, this is normal. I am not a raging homosexual. I am not a flamer. I don't talk with a lisp for one thing and I certainly don't have good fashion sense, so I can't be 'gay.' I might be, 'bi.' Actually I think kissing Aya automatically qualifies me for bi, so no argument there, no might be. But… but…but… this is so not fair! This is not how I wanted things to go! I… I can't handle this! The last thing I need is to be confused over my sexual orientation concerning another member of Weiβ. This is way too heavy right now!

At this point I give up reasoning with myself and start to cry. I then start to berate myself for being a pussy and crying about it, but I can't help it so I curl up in fetal position on my bed and hug my pillow. My chest hurts. I shudder as each gasping sob comes up. I haven't cried this hard since I killed my best friend. Tears stream down my face.

This is all wrong. It's Aya! I can't feel like this about Aya. I can't. I shouldn't, it's not right. And now I've gone and made an ass of myself. He'll never understand, God he must hate me right now.  Just when things were starting to get good, just when he had finally opened up to all of us I have to go and do something stupid like this! 

I hadn't realized until just then how much having Aya think of me and treat me like a friend had become. His friendship had become priceless, but now I'd gone and ruined it in one unthinking, impulsive moment.  

I lie on my bed, I cry to myself. I wonder if he'll come in, if he'll want to talk about it. He never does. 

Eventually I fall asleep.

The next morning I wake up late. I notice this because there's too much sunlight on my floor. I realize that nobody bothered to wake me up, or nobody wanted to. I think immediately about how my evening with Aya turned out. I recall that kiss… that stupid, sloppy, surprise kiss. I close my eyes, I feel like crawling into a dark hole and never coming out again. How can I possibly go down to the shop and face him? What will he do? How will he look at me? I don't think I can stand it if he looks at me with hatred or disgust. Did he tell Omi or Youji about it? I don't think so. He wouldn't do that.

I roll out of bed and pull on my clothes. I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, wash my face, take a leak, whatever. I run my fingers through my hair, good enough. I just want to get this over with. I can't hang around up here all day. That would look weird.

I walk downstairs and through the back room into the shop. As soon as I push through the door I can feel everyone's eyes on me, especially Aya's. I stare resolutely at the floor and walk mechanically over to the apron rack. I grab mine and tie it savagely around my waist. I can feel his eyes following me, burning holes in my back.

"Ohiyou, Ken-kun," Omi calls to me. "Do you feel better now?"

I look over at him and blink. "Huh?"

"Aya-kun, said that you didn't feel well when you went to bed last night. That's why he told us to let you sleep in," Omi says smiling.

I can't help but steal a glance at Aya. He looks passive, his eyes tell me nothing. I look away quickly. I shrug at Omi. "Yeah, Omi-kun, I guess I feel better now. Thanks for asking."

"Sure thing, Ken!" he says brightly. Youji snorts.

"I don't exactly feel great either," he says sharply. "But I don't see anyone letting me sleep in."

"That's because you're hung-over, Youji. Take responsibility for your actions," Aya says in his deep voice. I feel like he's talking to me. How do I take responsibility for my actions? I have no idea what to do. Youji grumbles, but doesn't say anything more.

Somehow I manage to get through the day. I pussyfoot around Aya all day long. I try not to stand near him or talk to him. I stay quiet; let them think I feel unwell. Hell I do feel unwell. As soon as work is over I whip off my apron and hang it up. I'm out of there. I'm halfway up the stairs when Aya catches up with me.

He grabs my wrist and yanks me around. Great here we go. He's going to let into me something fierce and within hearing distance of Youji and Omi. They must be closing up. I choke and look down at my feet. I have no way to explain myself… well I have one way….

"Ken," he says like he's angry. Like he's going to say more. I fight back my tears, I won't let him see me cry, I won't let him see what all this means. I turn my head away from him. He takes my face in his hand, roughly forcing me to look at him. He's still practically as tall as I am even one step below me. He's not only going to chew me out, but he's going to make me take the 'glare of death' at point blank range while he does so.

I try to pull away; he makes me feel like a child. 

He yanks my wrist again, forcing me to stay where I am. He narrows his eyes; I can't tell what he's thinking, but it doesn't look good. Then suddenly he leans forward violently and presses his lips against mine. I'm so surprised that I can't even react to him. He's rough. There's little emotion behind the action, just a sort of curiosity, a questing for answers, dominance. When I get my wits together, I'm pissed. He's mocking me, abusing me. I shove him away roughly with my free arm, but he doesn't let go of my face. When he's done with me he shoves me back roughly. I almost lose my balance, but clutch the banister before I fall on my ass.

He turns away from me and walks back down the stairs. "Figure it out, Ken," he says as he walks away.

I stand in a daze and then turn and race to my room. I slam my door behind me. 

"Shit!" I scream to nobody in particular. Why was Aya going and fucking with my head?! This wasn't fair. What was up with that kiss? 

_Figure if out Ken…_

What did that mean? Figure what out? Why Aya kissed me? What it meant? Or am I supposed to figure out what happens now?

I sit down on my bed and throw my pillow across the room. I'm immediately sorry that I did because now I want to hug something. I grumble and go after the pillow and then flop down on my bed with it and curl up. I'm so confused. Did all of this mean something to Aya, or was he just enjoying being able to mess with me? That didn't really seem like him…. He should either be pissed or just blow it off. That was Aya. He wouldn't normally retaliate so cruelly, just throwing it back in my face. Or was he saying that he was willing to take this farther… willing to see what would happen? Did he want to keep us on even ground for some reason? I don't know. My head hurts just thinking about it.

I lie on my bed for a very long time. I doze. At one point Omi comes in to ask me if I feel ok. I tell him I'm just tired. I haven't been sleeping lately. He sits on my bed for a few minutes and talks happily about this and that. Then he pats my head and leaves.

I go back to dozing. There's a sharp knock at my door. I sit up and let my eyes adjust to the darkness. It's late now. Dark outside. I glance at the clock: 9:23. "Come in," I call blearily. I assume it's Omi coming to see if I've eaten anything.

The door opens slowly the light flicks on. I'm blinded by the sudden brightness. 

"Ah! Turn it off!" I cry. I lean over to switch on my bedside lamp and as I do so the overhead goes off. 

When my eyes adjust I turn to look at the doorway and see him standing, arms across his chest by my door. Aya.  My stomach clenches and I feel my heart pick up the pace a bit. He's in his pajamas again and without a word he crosses my room and stands in front of my window. I shift on my bed so that I can face him. 

"What do you want?" I ask.

"Did you figure it out, Ken?" he says softly.

I glare at him, but he's facing away from me so it has little effect. "Figure what out? What exactly am I supposed to figure out, Aya?"

"Don't snap at me. You started this."

I swallow my retort, knowing he's right. I look away. He turns around when I don't say anything. I expect him to look grim or angry or something, but his face is perfectly calm. His mouth might even twitch into the faintest smile. He puts his hands on his hips.

"So, Ken. What have you figured out? I thought you'd come and bitch at me, but you haven't, so you must have been thinking."

"I've been sleeping."

"Hn."

I sigh and look at him, I feel tired again. "Look, Aya, what do you want me to say? I guess what I've figured out is that you're either the biggest bastard I've ever met and you like to fuck with people's emotions, or there's more going on here."

"Like what?"

I stare at him, my eyes are angry. Why is he making me do all the work? My heart's already on my sleeve, I'm an open sore waiting to be poked and he knows it. I should just forge ahead and say it, just to spite him. "Fine," I growl. "You want to know what I've figured out, Aya-kun? You want to know what might be going on here?"

He blinks at me. "Yes."

I swallow. Here we go. "I… I think that I may have feelings for you that go beyond friendship," I say matter-o-factly. I can't believe that I just said that. I can't believe I managed to go through with it so effortlessly.

He stares at me passively. Why the hell can't he respond in some way? I thought we got over this shit. He crosses his arms across his chest and turns to look back out the window. Great, just turn and look away. "That's what you've figured out?"

"Yes," I say, my voice croaking, but still defiant.

"You've just come to this realization? That's cute, Ken. And how do you want me to feel about that?"

This is more than I can take 

"Fuck off, Aya," I spit. "What the hell do I care how you feel? You're the one who wanted me to open up to you, and I did! And this is what fucking happened; you got to me. So if you feel justified in taking that and rubbing my face in it, then go ahead and mess with my emotions. After all, I really shouldn't expect any more from you… self- absorbed, sadistic, bastard that you are."

His body tenses. He's angry. He turns and glares at me, I want to wither up, but I force myself to stay resolute. If he's going to mock me about it he's not going to get the satisfaction of seeing it bother me. He moves towards me, stands before me, and looks like he's going to say something. I stare up at him impudently. He uncrosses his arms and slaps me, backhand. His lip curls in a snarl and he stalks out of my room.

As I hear the door slam shut the tears start to come. They spill down my stinging cheek and then I'm sobbing again. I can't take this crying myself to sleep thing another night. That didn't go well. Shit, and now I've said it; I've said something I can't take back. I want it to all go away. I curl up on my bed again and keep on crying.

I try to tell myself it's alright. No big deal. Settle down, Ken. Settle down. It's ok. Just calm down.

I don't hear the door open again. I don't hear Aya come quietly back into the room, or hear him cross to me. It isn't until I feel him sit down beside me that I know he's there. I try to turn away from him. Great, he's come back to mock me some more, and here I am crying like a little girl. But he doesn't say anything cruel and touches my arm gently and then he pulls me up off the bed and into his arms. It's warm. 

"I'm so sorry, Ken. Forgive me, I shouldn't have gotten angry, but you can be such an ass. I can't be the cause of your tears two nights in a row."

His words swim around in my head for a moment as I try to make them make sense.  I can't stop the crying, the shaking.  I'm making such a fool of myself.  

"I'm sorry, Aya," I choke. I can't hold myself up; I slump feebly against his body, my hands gripping his shirt like claws. He actually pulls me closer. He –holds- me. What the hell is wrong with the world?! When did God die and flip the switch to 'random acts of chaos?' 

"I-I'm so sorry, Aya-kun. I don't know what's wrong with me," I hiss. I push away from him and scoot back on my bed.

I can't even look at him. I've really gotten myself in deep this time. Things are never going to be the same again. My friendship with Aya is as good as DOA. And all because I had to give into my human tendency towards bisexuality. I hug myself.

He moves closer to me. He reaches out to touch my arm. I shiver at the touch. I don't want him to see but he does. 

"Ken…." His voice has a quality I've never heard before. It's painful to hear, but it makes my heart beat faster. He reaches out again and takes my chin in his hand, forcing me to look at him. He's such a bastard. Before I can respond he pulls my face to his and kisses me. His kiss is unexpectedly soft and sweet. I think I feel the gentlest touch of his tongue on my lips; his hand caresses my face. My eyes sting as more tears begin to fall. My stomach knots in the most wonderful way. I can't breath, but I don't want to.

He releases me and pulls away just slightly so that our foreheads touch. I'm breathing heavily. He wipes a tear away with his thumb. "It's ok, Ken," he says softly. His voice is so strong.

"But it's not," I whisper back. I'm really scared now. I hadn't planned on this. I'd never planned on this. I was content to feel from afar, but this was totally unexpected.

"Yes, it is," he says more forcefully.

I look up at him. His eyes are so open, so kind, just waiting. He tilts my chin back up so that I have to look at him. "It's ok," he says again, gently, so reassuring. I want to believe him, but something doesn't want to let go.

"Aya, don't mess with me. You wouldn't mess with me like this would you? Please, don't…." I whisper.

He smiles at me, his eyes are so soft. "Everything's fine, Ken-kun." He kisses me again, more forcefully this time. There's desire behind his kiss, desire for me. I definitely feel his tongue run along my lips and query for entrance. I deny access, I'm not ready for that. Not just yet. I'm not ready for any of this really; especially not the way Aya is kissing me. But the way it makes me feel… the way it makes my whole body ache like this.

I break away from him, pushing against his shoulders. Then I clutch him feverishly and bury my face against his shoulder. "I love you, Aya," I gasp. As soon as I say it, I know it's true. He makes a funny choking sound and tilts my head away from him, kissing me again. This time he doesn't ask for entrance, he just takes it. I've never been kissed like this, not even with Yuriko. Sure, she and I fooled around, but I've never been on this end of things. It's too much; I'm feeling too much. The way Aya is all over me, it's terrifying.

I know that I love Aya; I can't deny it now. But I'm not sure that I am ready to -desire- Aya. That's a whole other world. But I can feel his passion for me; his desire for me is riding on his lips. Suddenly I feel his hand slip under my shirt. He's touching my skin, his cool fingers against my stomach. I tremble, and pull away.

He releases me immediately. He looks into my eyes and I have to look away. "What's wrong, Ken?"

I laugh hollowly. "Look, Aya… please just, take it easy, ok? Please, I need this to be… much slower. I'm not ready for all this, I'm scared."

His eyes melt me. He's so open. He smiles the sweetest smile I've ever seen. He touches my face again, caresses my cheek, brushes my hair aside. I reach out to him. I wrap my arms around his chest, I pull him closer to me. This I can handle. The closeness of our bodies, the warmth is so nice. He holds me, cradles me against his chest and whispers in my ear.

"Thank you, Ken. Thank you for telling me."

I press my face against his neck. "What about you? What have you figured out?" I ask.

He snorts and nuzzles my ear. It feels funny, but I like it. "I've loved you…." He trails of.

"How long?" I ask against him.

"Long enough." I want him to kiss me again. I tell him so.

I lean back and meet his lips. He lets me set the parameters. Soft, gentle, that's all I can handle right now. I feel like I'm about to fall into a million pieces. We play touch and go, it's so nice. I love the way it makes my stomach feel. I run my fingers through his hair. It's cool and soft just like the rest of him. He smells so good. When we finally pull away from each other I lie back down on my bed and stretch my arms high over my head. I'm suddenly very sleepy. 

Emotional overload.

He follows me down after a moment and leans over me. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he wants more. This frightens me. But I also know that he'd never force me. So I feel safe nonetheless. He looks down into my eyes. I stare up at him adoringly. This is really weird, but I like it.

"I have two rules if this is going to happen, Ken. No clichés. No, 'I need you like the desert needs the rain' shit. Ever. And no cute nicknames. No sweet-lumps, no sugar daddy, no honey-pie, no bunny, no pooh- bear," he growls.

I look up at him blandly. "No nicknames at all? Not even one?"

He thinks about this for a moment. "Ok, one. Pick now."

"Right now?"

"Right now."

"Umm… ok. Can I call you 'big-red?'" I ask jokingly, yanking on one of his ear tails.

He glares at me. "Absolutely not."

I laugh. "Fine. Can I call you 'koibito1?'"

Aya blinks at me and then smiles and nods. I can tell he likes that.

"Can I call you 'koi2'?"

He rolls his eyes. "If you must."

I smile up and him and reach a hand up to trace his jaw. I like touching him. It feels nice to just be able to touch him. "What about me? Do I get a nickname?" I ask.

"Kenken."

I roll my eyes. "Half the population of Japan already calls me that. It's annoying."

"Well, now I'll call you that too, only when I say it… you won't think it's annoying anymore, because it means I love you."

"I think your logic is flawed, koi, but if you want to call me Kenken, I won't say you can't since nobody else listens when I do."

"Glad we got that straight."

I peer up at him. I blink and look away. "What?" he asks, he's getting testy.

"I want a better nickname…." I begin.

He leans down to whisper in my ear. "I'll call you 'aité3,' but not in public."

"Oh, koibito, you are so cutting edge. What will the neighbors think?" I roll my eyes and stick out my tongue.

Aya glares and then kisses me again, taking my tongue into his mouth. I tense up immediately, my hands clutch my bed cover as Aya sucks gently on my tongue. He's inviting me to explore, but I'm not sure I want to. After a moment I force myself to relax, his hand is moving lazily over my chest, I sigh into him and move my tongue against his. He pushes back. Then we're playing a kind of game. It's like a thumb war… only it isn't anything at all like a thumb war. At all. It's a million times better. I like the way it feels to be a little aggressive.

Aya suddenly stops. He freezes, his body tense. I stop too, reacting to him. Did he suddenly come to his senses and realize that he's making out with me on my bed? Did the demon that had possessed his body suddenly remember that it had a previous engagement in Hokkaido? I pull away, afraid of what I might see in his eyes.

"Aya?" I say nervously.

"Shh," he hisses. "I hear Youji and Omi coming upstairs." He leans down and kisses my forehead. I stare up at him with adoring eyes. He stands and walks to the door. He opens it a crack and then looks back at me. I can't move. I'm exhausted on my bed. "Good night, aité," he calls softly. He walks out of my room and closes the door. I fall back against my pillow and stare up at the ceiling.

Holy shit.

  


* * *

1 As we all should know by now _koibito_ means "lover" or "beloved" or "boyfriend" etc.

2 Again we all probably know that _koi_ is a short form for _koibito_ and also that the word itself means "love" so in a sense calling someone _koi_ is like using the more British term of endearment of calling someone "love"

3_Aité _literally means "partner" or "team mate" it has no romantic connotation whatsoever.  Aya could call any of the other members of Weiss _aité_ and no one would look at him funny or anything.  Aya using this word is just my little play on Aya's dry sense of humor, seeing as Ken is his partner both literally and in the connotation that "partner" holds in English.  Ok?  Ok.   

Comments: And there you have it chapter two. ^_^ Thanks for all the comments, guys (you know who you are). I really appreciate it. I'll try to get this up as fast as I can. And I really do suggest that everybody go out and rent "Brother" today. NOW!! Really, it's one of my favorite movies of all time and the soundtrack is spectacular. *loves on Joe Hisaishi*. He's the composer who did the music for Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, Kaze no Tani no Nausicaa and just about every other Hayao Miyazaki movie out there. Like Ken said, what more can you ask for?! Hope you enjoyed! Chapter three will be up in the next few days. Oh, and just to let you know **Ink, **the collab I started with Fei, is being updated too. ~_^ It's only been like half a year. LOL So keep your eyes open for chapter four of that as well. ^_^.

Disclaimer: If the boys were mine I'd put them to better use than this inane drivel. 


	3. Bad Touch

I lie on my back, staring at the ceiling. Lights flare through the window as cars pass on the street below. I run a hand through my hair and decide that this wasn't working.

_Shouldn't have had that last cup of coffee to help Omi finish that research project. _

Propping myself up on my elbows, I look around the gloomy twilight of my room. It's obvious I'm not going to be falling asleep anytime soon. I swing my legs over the side of my bed and then push back the covers. I  stand up and stretch. Might as well visit the bathroom. White goose bumps stand out on my arms as I shiver, grabbing a white undershirt and pulling it on over my head. I opened the door and walk slowly down the hallway.

I pause for a moment at Ken's door, struck by an urge to look in on him.  I love to watch Ken when Ken doesn't know he's being watched. 

Ken and I have come to an understanding. After admitting to ourselves and to each other that there was more between us than just friendship, things have come to a bit of a standstill. We haven't told Youji and Omi about our feelings for each other, and out physical relationship isn't going anywhere fast. Of course when we are alone, which isn't often, we can 'fool around' as Ken likes to put it. Steamy kisses and heavy petting, but nothing more. Ken seems happy hanging out on second base, he never seems to want anything more even when I suggest that I might with my body. Ken usually pulls away or asks me to slow down, "Just hold me, koi." Second base is all well and good, but….

It isn't as if I don't appreciate what he gives me.  Being with him as we are now is an eternity better than how it was before, when I was alone in the dark, wondering if he could feel as I felt, waiting, hiding.  I yearned for him then until I thought my heart would break and there would be nothing left of me.  I waited for a sign and he gave me one, and then I nearly blew it.  Heh.  Just like me.  You'd think that I would be satisfied knowing he cares for me, that my longing would be subdued.  But no.  Knowing now, being with him now only stirs within me something darker and deeper and more painful.

I sigh and shake my head. If Ken and I are supposed to be together it's was a very odd relationship. But then again what else should I expect?  It's me and Ken, it's not supposed to be normal.

I twisted the knob on Ken's door, slipping into the dim room. As soon as the door clicks shut behind me I am hit by the deep, warm smell of Ken. I close my eyes and lean against the wall, breathing softly. I love the way Ken smells, sweet like Head and Shoulders, Old Spice, and just a hint of sweat.

I cross the room, clutching the carpet with my toes. I stop at the edge of Ken's bed and stare down at my 'koibito.'

Ken mumbles in his sleep and rolls over. He yawns and smacks his lips. He squirms and clutches at his pillow, burying his face in it. He mumbles again.

Chuckling to myself I peer at him inquisitively.  "What are you dreaming about, aité?" I whisper, crouching down beside the bed.

"… Yuriko… where…?"

I scowl a bit, my mouth working its way into a tiny frown. "That's not what I wanted to hear."

Ken sighs and tosses his arm over his head. "Where's... my bike…? Yuriko took… Australia….my bike!"

Now that's funny.  I chuckle again and subdue the urge to run my fingers over his soft, exposed skin.  "Dreaming Yuriko stole your bike? You have a twisted little mind, aité."

Ken rolls towards me and curls up in a tight ball. I watch as a smile flickers across Ken's face. He sighs deeply and buries himself deep into his covers. He begins to make funny snuffling sounds. I cock my head, and listen, raising any eyebrow.  He really is so funny when he sleeps.  

"Now what are you thinking about, Kenken?" I whisper.

Ken chokes on a moan and his eyes flutter beneath their lids. "Mmmm… koi…," he murmurs and I smile. Once again I resist the urge to reach out and touch Ken's face. I don't want to wake him. Watching Ken dream is much too much fun, even though it makes me feel a little dirty.

Ken becomes more agitated, twisting around in the covers a little. His breathing becomes quick. "… Aya-kun, wait… wait…."

"Where am I going, Ken?" I ask quietly, chuckling.

He spasms and groans. His face twists as he twists himself in the sheets. My breath catches a little.  He's having a nightmare; I ought to wake him up. Standing I imagine Ken clinging to me in the aftermath of his dream.  It's twisted and wonderful. I sit down on the edge of the bed and reach down to shake my aité awake.  

"Ken," I say gruffly. "Ken, wake up."

I shake Ken's shoulders and he fights back against me weakly.

"Ken!"

"No…n-…Aya… oh, God! Nng…." he cries out violently, still asleep.

"Ken, I'm right here! I haven't gone anywhere," I say angrily, shaking him harder.

"Ahhh!" Ken cries out as his eyes snap open. They widen as he breathes my name, "Aya-kun?!" and then they close again, almost reflexively as he sits bolt upright, doubling over, his hands clutching my shirt. He cries out hoarsely and pulls his legs up to his body.

I'm so surprised I can't do anything but let Ken rest his head against my chest while his fingers worked the fabric of my undershirt.  He doesn't move for several moments. His eyes remain squeezed shut as he pants against me heavily. After a few moments he makes and odd strangled sound and tears himself away from me, pressing his hands down into the sheets between his legs.

"Aya?! What the hell are you doing here?!" he hisses, averting his face. He's blushing furiously.

Now what on earth is the matter with him?  I raise and eyebrow, amused by my koibito's antics.  I don't answer the question. "Having a bad dream, Ken?" I ask gently.

He shoots me a shy glance and then looks away again quickly. "I wouldn't say it was a –bad- dream…," he mumbled.

I raise an eyebrow and then looked down at Ken's hands, which are pressing into the sheets in his lap. Understanding, I begin to chuckle. "You were having one of those dr…?!"

"Shut-up, Aya, it's not funny! Don't tell me you've never had one! God, I'm so embarrassed…."

He's so endearing.  Growing serious and look lovingly at Ken, but Ken's in no position to notice since he's concentrating on not meeting my eyes. "Why should you be embarrassed, Ken? I'm flattered. I dream about you all the time," he said softly.

When Ken looks up, still blushing, he's only inches from my face. The intensity of my eyes must catch him off guard, because he blanches, those dark, melting eyes of his flashing uncertainty. "Aya…."

I lean closer, letting my tongue slip from between my lips to gently flick over the corner of Ken's mouth. Ken sighs without thinking.  I know how sensitive my koibito's lips are.  I know how much he loves to be kissed.  

"Dream come true, Kenken?" I asked softly.

His eyes fly open and he pushes me away roughly. "You can stop mocking me now!" he snaps. "Ha ha, very clever. I've got to go clean myself up." 

He slides away from me and gets out on the opposite side of his bed, rushing to the door and shutting it behind him with a sound thud.

I sit on the end of the bed and look after him. "Jesus," I hiss. Oh well, I wasn't planning on sleeping any time soon anyway. I stand and stretch.

I hear the door slam down the hallway and sigh.  Ken Ken Ken.  What am I going to do with you?  I follow after him and pause for a moment outside the door, listening as he mumbles and curses to himself on the other side. I hear what sounds like his boxers sloppily slap into the tub.  Mmm… Ken's getting naked.  I turn the handle and push the door open with my foot, leaning against the doorjamb so that I can observe Ken as he rails against himself for a few more moments.  Ken can be so dramatic.

"Want some help?" I ask nonchalantly from the doorway.

Ken gives a strange squeak and spins around crying, "Aya!"

I peer at him blandly from the doorway, raising one eyebrow and blinking slowly. 

After a few moments he apparently realizes that he's bottomless and sinks to the floor, yanking his shirt down over his knees.

I rolled his eyes and step into the bathroom. "Ken, what are you doing? It's not like you've got anything I haven't already seen," I say gruffly, waving a hand before my own body.

Ken looked flustered and blushs. "Well you haven't seen mine," he snaps defensively.

"Ken! How many times have we gone to the gym together? Changed in a locker room together, changed for missions together?  I've seen not only yours but Youji's and Omi's as well."

Ken looks rather lost at this and then stammers, "Well… I'm a mess!"

"Not like I care."

"I care!"

I roll my eyes again. "Ken," I growl. This is ridiculous.

"What?!" Ken cried from his squatting position by the sink.

"Stand up."

"Why?!"

"Because I want to see you," I say bluntly.  Might as well be honest, besides a little shock therapy might be just what Ken needs.  He gapes at me, twisting his shirt, as he pulls it farther over his knees.

"No!" he says incredulously, turning an even darker shade of red.

"Why not? Are you embarrassed? You can dream about us, but you can't let me see you halfway naked? We're supposed to be together! Now for the love of God just stand up."

Ken stares at the floor for a few moments and then stoically lets go of his shirt and slowly stands up, facing me. My expression doesn't change as Ken stands before me shaking slightly, his fists clenched at his sides. 

He stands there for a moment, his shirt barely covering him, his long, tanned legs completely bare just screaming, _Touch me!  Touch me!!  Throw me wide and have your way with me! _ I close my eyes, trying to block out the mental images that a halfway dressed, flushed and flustered Ken is pouring into my mind.  Ken standing there, refusing to look at me with his shirt covering only about half of him is possibly the most erotic thing I have ever seen, but I'm not going to scare Ken by letting it show. 

Opening my eyes again I give him a brief once over and shrug. "There, was that so hard?"

Ken looks up. "Is that all?" he asks, and I swear he sounds just the tiniest bit disappointed

"Yeah that's all. Are you over your stupid inhibitions?" I ask moving towards him.  "Now can we clean you up?" 

Ken backs away from me, eyes narrow. "I can clean myself up! Aya, just go back to bed."

"Oh come on, Ken, this is partly my fault after all," I say playfully, smirking, moving closer.

"Aya, I'm serious! You're weirding me out!" Ken cries

I stopped dead, halted by his words. Besides that Ken is about to fall over into the bathtub. His words sting more than I would have thought possible. "Ken."

Ken looks at me with wide, confused, torn eyes.  He puts one hand on his chest, over his heart and I know just by watching the way he's breathing that it's beating very fast.  In his eyes I can see a conflict.  Part of him doesn't want to push me away, part of him wants to accept the things I want from him.  Somewhere he knows that what I want is what he should want, and I think this is what frightens him the most.  The other part of him lets that fear grow, and is frightened of me in turn.

I stand in the middle of the bathroom holding out my arms to Ken. He looks back at me like a whipped puppy. "Don't you trust me?" 

"Of course I trust you, Aya," He says, swallowing.

"Come here."

He shakes as he stands straight and takes a step towards me. "Aya- kun, I feel kinda …"

"Ken, come here!" I growled, losing his patience. 

My tone shocks him and he complies quickly, coming to stand rigidly before me, looking up at me with apprehensive eyes.  I wrap my arms around his tense body and pull him closer. 

We stand still for a moment, but he refuses to relax.  I rub my hands on his back and kiss his hair gently.

"We've done worse than this," I say softly, wondering if there is more to this story than meets the eyes.  I voice my own fears as steadily as I can.  "Are you having second thoughts about us?"

Ken looks up, startled, pulling back in my arms a bit. His eyes meet mine, a brown intensity that catches me off guard. "What? No, Aya-kun, no it isn't that! I know how I feel about you! I'll always feel this way," he cries throwing his arms around my neck and burying his face in the crook of my shoulder. Relieved I gladly catch him back into my arms and tighten my grip around his young body loving the way its flat planes feel against me.

"Then what is it, Ken-kun?" I aske softly against Ken's hair.

He makes a funny sound and nuzzles at my neck. "I don't know," he whispers.

"Tell me, Ken. I want to know. Don't you want to be close to me?"

Ken tangles his hands in the hair at the nape of my neck. "I love being close to you," he says quietly. "It's just…."

One of my hands trails down Ken's back as a shiver runs through his body.  He exhales shakily against my neck as I let my hand continue downward, brushing over the curve of Ken's ass and then coming to rest on his hip. He leans into me like he might fall and tightens his grip around my neck.

"I want you," I breathe into Ken's ear.

"Wha-what?" Ken stammers, but I ignore his words, ducking my head to kiss at his neck, nipping the sensitive skin with my teeth. Ken's senses overload and he moans softly. He pulls my hair sharply as if he can't help himself, tightening his fists.

Yet I can still feel a hesitancy in his body, he can't relax, can't give himself over to my embrace, my gentle teasing.  I push my hips forward slightly, brushing the fabric of my flannel pajama pants against his legs and crotch. Now while I have him where I want him, now I have to make my move.  Swaying towards him, shuffling my feet I begin to move us backwards, keeping my eyes trained on the toilet until I back his legs against it.  I see him jump as the cold porcelain hits his flushed skin and then his knees give and he sinks down onto the seat, panting as leave one last kiss along his heated flesh.  

I straighten and look down at Ken, watching him lean his head back against the wall.  He's not paying any attention to me, which is just fine.  Crossing to the sink I grap a washcloth, running it under the warm tap.  By the time I return to him, he's still flushed and dreamy eyes, staring off into space.  Chuckling to myself I kneel between his lets and gently press the warm cloth over his groin.  Suddenly Ken's back to life.  His eyes fly open and he sits bolt upright, grabbing at my hand.

"What are you doing?!"

"You're still a mess, Ken," I say silkily, rubbing the cloth against his inner thigh despite the grip he has on my wrist.

He gasps. "Ah! Aya, no, stop!" he cries pushing my hand away more forcefully.

"Ken, just relax. I'll be nice, I promise," Aya say leaning down and kissing Ken on the lips. He is momentarily distracted and loosens his grip. I return my hand and the wet washcloth in it to Ken's crotch. Again he gaps and roughly pushes me away, shoving against me with his shoulder.

"Would you stop trying to molest me!?" he cries savagely. Surprised by the force of his shove I stumble back across the bathroom and then glare at Ken with narrow eyes.  He's such an idiot sometimes.  Does he even think about the things he says before he says them?

"Molest you?! That hurts, Ken. Two seconds ago you were all over me, and now I'm molesting you?"

"_You _were all over _me_, and besides that was different. We were kissing, Aya," Ken hisses. "We weren't…_touching_ each other."

"And what's wrong with touching each other?!" I  demand.  Maybe now we'll get somewhere.

Ken balks at this, wanting to say something, but not able to find the words. His mouth works over nothing for a few moments. He turns his face away.

I stepped closer again, lowering my arms.  Now is my chance to talk a little sense into him. "Huh, aité? What's wrong with wanting to touch you?" I say softly. "I love you, Ken, and you know that. I only want to make you happy. Why shouldn't I want this? You're beautiful, I want to be with you. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were rejecting me."

Ken pulls his legs up onto the toilet seat with him. "I'm not trying to reject you, Aya…"

"Then what is it?!" I growl. "What has you all bound up in knots? We kiss, we hold each other, why can't we do this?!"

"Because it's wrong!" he snaps violently and then, he bites back his tongue, but it's too late. Tears suddenly fill his eyes and spilled over onto his cheeks. He's finally blurted it out and now he hides his face and cries into his bare knees.  His shoulder shakes and his body shivers.

It feels like I've been struck.  Ken's words and his reaction were unexpected, and unimaginably painful. My mind races and I feel my mouth go dry.  Is it all over so soon?  "What?" I say at length. "Ken, what are you talking about? What's wrong?"

Ken looks up; there is a strange resolution in his eyes.  It always seems like this always happens whenever Ken gets worked up with me.  He starts to say things in rush, like a flood that he can't hold back, his emotions no longer held in check. His face is covered with tears. "Everything! All of this. You and me, it's wrong. Do you think I like having dreams about you like that? I don't! It makes me feel…dirty. This whole mess makes me feel dirty. I'm not ready for any of this… I… I never thought any of this would actually happen," he practically sobs, gritting his teeth.  

I crossed to Ken and kneel at the edge of the toilet. Oh God, I'm losing him. I'm losing Ken already. "Ken…" I call softly. Ken looks at me blearily and I know he can see the raw pain in my eyes. He hides his face again, choking on another sob. "Ken, I don't understand. You told me you loved me. You said you were sure about how you feel, so what is going on?!"

Ken shakes his head helplessly. "Aya! I… I do love you! I love you so much, so, so much. That's why I can't just ignore the way I feel, even if I wanted to. I know that I should have, but I needed to tell you, and you knew that! And when you told me that you felt the same way… I was so happy, Aya- kun. I love being with you. I love the way it feels when we kiss, it's amazing, and when you hold me it feels so good, so nice, but that doesn't make it right! Just because something feels good doesn't mean it's ok… in fact it probably means the opposite. As much as I love you, I can't help but feel it isn't right!" His voice cracks with the force of his words.

Ken is being difficult. I only know of one way to deal with Ken when he is being difficult.  It worked last time, and it's going to have to work now.  I slap Ken across the face.

"You selfish prick! Do you think this whole thing revolves around you? I've heard enough of your 'right/wrong' crap, Ken. When you start waving that banner around you're not just fucking with your own emotions, you're fucking with mine too! Do you honestly think I'm going to let you cover up your insecurities with some moral shit like that?! Ken, we kill people for a living! At this point I don't think that what's right and wrong is something we need to worry about."

Ken stares at me, and I can see the sting in his eyes from my slap. He turns away, staring into his knees. I know that my words were harsh and most likely stung more than the slap I gave him, but he _was_ being selfish.  It was time for Ken to realize it.  But from the look on his face, the worrying of his lip I know that he knows it well enough.  I see the doubts that he has chase across his face, and I wait silently for him to come to some kind of conclusion.

After a moment of waiting I sigh and sat back, resting my back against the tub. Grumbling in frustration I put my head in my hands and sigh.  Ken looks at me with  fresh tears leaking from his eyes. "Aya…"

I take a breath and regain my composure, fixing my young lover with a piercing gaze. "Listen , Ken. I don't care what society or organized religion says. When you find someone and you love that person nothing can be wrong about it whether they are the same gender or not. Love is so rare when it's real. It doesn't matter if you are a boy or not, Ken. I don't love you because you're a boy; I love you because you're Ken, because you dared to love me, the most unlovable person I know. And there is -nothing- wrong or dirty about what I feel for you."

Ken stares at me, his eyes endless and lost.  My heart is beating wildly, and I know that his does the same. I rise to my knees and lean up towards Ken until our faces are only a few inches apart.  I can feel his panting breath on my skin and the warmth radiating from his flushed face. I find his eyes and hold his gaze steadily. "I know that you aren't ready yet, Ken, but when we finally make love, and I do mean when and not if, because I'm not waiting around forever, it is going to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened. I can feel it. It is going to be beautiful and perfect and so incredibly _right_ that you will never doubt that we are meant to be together."

"Aya…"

I cupped Ken's face in my hands and kiss him gently. I can fell Ken shaking. "I'll wait for you. I want you. Don't you want this?"

Ken look petrified, terrified even.  He looks back at me with apprehensive eyes and shivers. "I… I _want_ to want this, Aya… but I'm so afraid…"

"Afraid of what? Are you afraid of me? Afraid that I'll hurt you, aité?"

"Maybe… maybe a little bit. Afraid of being so close. Afraid of what others will think… Youji, Omi… they're our friends, our comrades, but will they understand? They'll never look at us the same way."

"So what? Somehow I think that Youji and Omi are going to be fine with this. We don't have to tell them until you're ready. And if they aren't ok with it, they can go to hell. There is no one in this world that is worthy of judging us, Ken. It's just you and me, right or wrong, it doesn't matter."

We both pause and I watch as my words sink in. Then he slowly sighs. He hugs his knees tightly. "Thank you."

"For what?" I ask, running a finger over his cheek bone.

"For telling me what I needed to hear. If you are ok with us, Aya, that's all I need to know."

Letting go of Ken's face I trail my hand down his bare thigh. "Let me touch you, koibito. You're still a mess."

Ken looks into my eyes and swallows hard. He nods slowly and then leans back against the toilet tank. "Oh, this is so romantic," he mutters as the handle jiggles against his back. He laughs nervously.

I smile softly, "Well that's what we get for doing this on the sly."

"I guess so."

Standing I grab the washcloth and go to rewet it under the tap. Then I come to kneel before Ken, gently pushing his legs apart. Ken stares down at me, shaking slightly. I can tell that he wants so badly to snap his legs back together, to pull them up and just tell me to go away, but he can't. He has to trust me, he needed this as much as I want it.

I take my time, being careful to be almost painfully gentle with him.  My fingers are cool when they actually touch him and the washcloth is warm and soft against his skin. I know this is the most erotic experience of Ken's life, I think it might be the most erotic experience of mine as well. It feels terrifyingly wonderful, but I can tell by the look on Ken's face that he still can't shake his sense of shame.

It doesn't take me very long to finish wiping away the semi dried mess between Ken's legs.  Smiling I look up at him. "All done," he say, tossing the washcloth into the tub to join Ken's boxers. Ken is panting softly, leaning back against the tank. "You look a little hot and bothered, aité."

Ken licks his lips, "Mm," he agrees, staring at the ceiling. I decide that I might as well press the issue as long as I can, and take my chances.  Standing up I lean over him, bracing one arm on the wall beside Ken's head. I leaned down to kiss him, and Ken receives me automatically, opening his mouth. He reaches his arms up to wrap them loosely around my neck. I know he doesn't expect what I do next.  I let my hand fall between us, running along his thigh and then up the length of his manhood, lingering, pressing gently at the tip.  He feels amazing in my hand.

He spasms against my mouth and pulls away. He turns his head, trying to see what I'm doing to him. He reaches down to try and push my hand away, but I block him with my body. "Let it go, Ken," I growl softly.

"N-no, wait, wait, Aya…." He gasps as I tighten my hand around him. He arches his back in spite of himself and blushes in shame. "A-ah… wait," he whispers.

"I'm tired of waiting, Ken. Let it go," I say more gently. I move my hand along Ken's length, feeling him grow harder at my touch. He reflexively clutches at my shirt and moans softly.  Watching him and hearing him is the most amazing thing I have ever done.  It spurs me on to move my hand a little faster, up and down, varying the pressure.

Ken arches again, his eyes flying wide open. "Aya! Oh, God… nng …stop!" He tries one last time to feebly push me away. I can see in his eyes that he doesn't really want me to stop what I am doing.  But he's ashamed for some reason.  Zuzushii.[1] I can almost hear the word  hissed inside his head, as I see it in his eyes. Tears well up once again and run silently down his face.

He's being so difficult.  I'm tired of this shit.  Doesn't he get it?  Doesn't he understand what this means, what it has to mean to be us?  

I do as he asks and stop, ceasing my rhythm, but not letting him go. Our eyes meet and I bore into him mercilessly; my eyes are so intense, so painfully aware of what is going on inside of him, no longer giving a shit. "Ken, if you want me to stop… if you really want me to stop, I will. And then I will leave. But if I leave now, I'm not coming back… ever."

Ken chokes on a sob. I can see his heart pulling apart; he doesn't want me to leave, being alone again… just the idea is more than either of us can bear.  He shakes his head. "Aya, please," he whimpers, "don't…. Please, I don't want you to go… anything, just don't leave me like this."

Sighing inwardly in relief I bend my head forward and place a gentle kiss on Ken's neck. "Then relax, Ken. Please, just let it go," I whisper urgently.

Ken nods and then his body goes limp, he has given up his last defenses. His dark head lies back against the wall and his arms hang at the sides of the toilet. I nip his neck and kiss his skin until he's panting again. The soft rhythm of Ken's pulse beats beneath my lips. I want to make that pulse scream. I want to make him scream.  And I will. I begin to move my hand again, increasing the pressure. Ken gasps, but doesn't resist. Feeling him beneath me I begin to build up a rhythm and can feel Ken's hips move slightly, reacting by instinct to meet me.

I watch as pure sensation takes over my lover's body.  His eyes close, and his face becomes a mask of feuding emotions. He drapes his right hand over my arm limply, leaving the other at his side as if he's at a loss for what to do with it.  As I take him farther and farther that arm begins to twitch expectantly. He shudders and moans, forgetting his inhibitions.

I can't help but begin breathing heavily against his neck. I lick Ken's throat and then pulled my head away to whisper in his ear. "Put your hand over mind, aité," I manage hoarsely. 

Ken fights through the growing haze of pleasure that threatens to render him immobile and does as I say. Placing his hand over mine he wraps his warm finger around it. He squeezes his hand around mines and I tightened my grip in response.

Ken cries out in surprise unprepared for the sudden increase in sensation. "Ran!" he cries out.  

We both suddenly fall completely still.  

Ken pants silently, his open eyes fixed on some point beyond the bathroom wall. He is almost ready, he aches and I know it, but all I can do is hang over him, not moving, my hand still encased in Ken's. Finally I pull my head up stare at Ken with wide eyes. I know that I am shaking.  We're both shaking.

"What?" I breath.  I want him to confirm what I have heard.  I want to hear him say it again.  

Ken swallows. "I'm sorry… it just came out…" he says softly. He said my name.  _My_ name.  My gut twists and my heart skips a beat or two.  Something inside of me starts to fall apart, but I don't mind. 

I look back at him with an expression that I hope he can understand. My eyes feel soft as I look at him… can he see how happy I am?  Tiny tears slipped from my eyes. "Don't be. You're always apologizing for the wrong things," I reply softly. I lean closer again to kiss Ken tenderly on the lips. 

When my hand resumes it rhythm I hear Ken moan in relief.

Ken whimpers and bucks slightly. "Almost, aité, almost," I say. He digs his fingers into my arm and tightens his grip on my hand. Wordless cries tear from his throat. A drop of sweat trickles down the side of his face.

"Hurry, Aya, please," he gasps. I quicken my pace, increasing the pressure. Ken responds by gripping me yet tighter. He moans loudly and suddenly his world explodes. He gasps and shudders as he comes between us, warm fluid flowing over his taught body and our joined hands.  I watch his beautiful face as he is swept away in ecstasy, his eyes shutting, his mouth forming a perfect 'o'.  Watching him like this give me an incredible rush.  It's almost good enough just doing this for him.  Almost.

He's made a mess of himself again, but this time he doesn't seem to mind. He falls forward limply and I catch him, letting go of the wall. "Ran…" he murmurs.

"I'm here, koibito," I whispered back. I kiss Ken's forehead and then his face, tasting the salt of Ken's sweat and tears. He tries to reciprocate, but he's spent… for the second time in one night. "I'll clean you up again, aité."

I let Ken rest back against the toilet tank, his head lying against the wall. I go to get another washcloth and clean up the mess we've made on Ken's torso. "I think you'll need to change your shirt, Kenken."

Ken looks down at himself and has to agree. He leans back again and says, "Bleh." 

I smile and tug Ken's soiled shirt off over his head and then toss it into the tub along with the washcloths and his boxers. Ken sits, completely sated and completely naked against the back of the toilet. I grind my teeth, painfully aware that I am not satisfied. But I have satisfied Ken, shared our first tentative experiment with him and that is enough for me.

"I'll take you back to your room, aité," I say. Ken smiles and tries to stand up, but his legs are no doubt a little less than stable.  I let him lean against me and surprise him when I sweep him off his feet and carry him out of the bathroom in his arms. Ken curls against my chest.

"Look, I'm a princess," he giggles, kicking his legs. He sighs; he's so tired. I carry him to his room and then lay him down in his bed. I carefully pull the sheets and blankets up over him and brush his hair out of his face.

"Can you sleep naked for one night?" I ask, teasing.

Ken nods sleepily and then reaches out for me. "Stay?"

I look down at my koibito and smile softly. "I have to go clean up the bathroom. I don't think we should leave your clothes in the tub. Omi might not know why they're dirty, but Youji will."

Ken nods and smiles. "Will you come back?"

I think this over.  Ie would love more than anything to spend the night with Ken, wrapped up in his arms, listening to his soft breathing, but I had to think about Ken's feelings. I have to think about the things Ken isn't thinking about. "Do you want me in your bed when Omi wakes you up for your morning run?"

Ken's eyes grow sad and he shakes his head. "No… but…."

"Then I'll see you tomorrow," I reply softly, kissing Ken one last time before getting up and stretching. Reluctantly I walk to the door. "Good night, aité."

"Good night, Ran-kun."

  


* * *

[1] Zuzushii means "shameless" or "brazen"

Comments: And that was chapter 3! In its original format chapter 3 was in the third person. For a long time this really bothered me, because it didn't match in format with the rest of the story. So one of my goal for the repost was to put it into first person, which I did. Hope it turned out ok ^^;;. If anyone found any typos that escaped me in the transition let me know. I read over it so many times that eventually my eyes just did like @_@ and nothing sunk in anymore. Hehehe. Hope you enjoyed. ~_^ 

Disclaimer: I do not own or use for profit any of the characters or concepts portrayed above. 


	4. The Morning After

I breathe deeply, taking in my first waking breath. I snuggle deeper into my covers; they're warm and soft. I feel heavy and sleepy; even though it was last night I can feel the last lingering essence of Aya around me. I roll over and pull my sheets up to my chin. I realize that I'm naked. I don't like sleeping naked… it's weird.

So if I'm so tired and sated, why the hell am I awake? I smack my lips and prop myself up on an elbow, peering at my alarm clock. I blink. It's six. Omi. I groan and flop back into my pillow. He'll be here in a few seconds. I lie still and wrestle with my thoughts. Great.

Tmp tmp tmp. Knock knock! "Morning, Ken-kun! Are you ready?" I hear Omi call as he opens my door and bounds in, smiling. I can't see him, but he's always smiling.

I act like he woke me up. I snuffle and turn over. "Hm? What?"

He walks to my bed and looks down at me. He puts his hands on his hips. "C'mon, lazy ass, get up! Don't you feel ok, Ken? Are you sick?"

I blink up at him. "I don't think so… er… I do feel a little funny," I amend, latching onto an excuse. "I didn't sleep very well…."

"Well, hey, a good run is probably just what you need. You always feel better afterwards. It's Tuesday! C'mon, let's go," he says excitedly, grasping my hand and tugging on my arm.

I sit up and rub at my eyes with my free hand. "Itai, Omi, cut it out," I snap, pulling my arm away. He stares at me, he's surprised. I never yell at Omi.

"Are you naked, Ken-kun?" he asks bluntly.

I look over at him and then down at myself. "Yeah, it would appear so. What? Haven't you ever slept naked? I told you I couldn't sleep last night, I thought maybe I was overheated or something."

Omi shrugs. "Just an observation. C'mon, Ken, we always go jogging on Tuesday mornings. I got up extra early to make eggs before we left." He tugs on my arm again. I look up at the kid.

I'm having a war in my head. Part of me says I have to go, because it's tradition and I owe it to Omi. I don't want to blow him off… he considers me his best friend. But I'm so tired that I feel like puking just sitting up. My eyes hurt and all I want to do is fall back into my sheets and become dead to the world. I let Aya keep me up… hell there was no 'let' about it, he kept me up. And he exhausted me both physically and emotionally. I'm in no shape to shlup around after Omi this morning. But the kid even made breakfast. He looks forward to this, I know he does. I have no idea why… but he does.

I look away again and groan. "Omi-kun…." I rub my eyes. "I don't think I'm gonna make it this morning. I'm really sorry, but I feel like crap."

I hear him make a little sound of disappointment. He looks down and plays with his hands. "Are you sure, Ken? I… I made eggs…."

"I know, Omi-kun, save some for me. I'll eat them when I get up for good."

"But then they'll be cold! I know you'll feel better if you just get up and come running with me. Here I'll even get your jogging clothes together for you and you can…." He starts to move towards my dresser. His voice is overly excited.

"Omi!" I shout. He freezes and looks at me with big, hurt eyes. I wither up, I feel like such an ass, but there is no way I can go jogging today. "I'm too damn tired, ok?! I'm sorry, Omi. I'll go with you tomorrow if you want me to, ok?"

He casts his eyes down. I know he's really disappointed. "Ok, Ken…." He says softly. I can hear the hurt in his voice. This is the first time I've ever broken a tradition with him. But I still think he might be overly sensitive. He turns away and walks to my door. He pauses in the doorway. "Hope you feel better."

"Thanks, Omittchi. I'm sorry."

He closes the door behind him and I fall back into my bed. I close my eyes and hug my pillow. I feel like such a bastard. It would be different if I could just tell Omi why I couldn't go running with him, and this just doubles my guilt. Not only did I blow him off without warning, but I'm keeping weird secrets from him too. And not just from him, but Youji as well. Why does this have to be so complicated?

I doze off again. I don't realize how long I snooze because when I hear my door open again I immediately assume that it's Omi coming back to try to convince me one more time.

I growl as I hear the door close again and the soft sound of feet on my carpet. "I told you, Omi, I'm not going with you! Zakkenayo[1]!" I cry sitting up quickly, tossing my pillow across the room at the figure standing there. He catches it.

"Oh… it's you," I say quietly.

"Yes, it's me. Omi's been gone for over half and hour. I heard him leave. I thought you'd go with him."

I look at Aya, letting my eyes travel over his body. I smile at him sleepily. "I was too tired. He didn't take it well."

"Figures." He crosses to me, throwing the pillow back to me. I let it hit me and giggle. I put it behind my head and fall back onto my bed. He stands and looks down at me lovingly. I reach up and take his hand in mine. We twine our fingers together.

"Did you want something?" I ask.

"Just wanted to see how your night was."

I roll my eyes back, thinking. "It was nice. A little unexpected, but nice."

He looks into my eyes. "No regrets?"

I bite my lip and shake my head. He smiles softly and lets go of my hand. He pushes back the covers, slipping into my bed beside me. I'm a little surprised, but I move over, making room for him. He puts his arms around my neck and pulls me closer. I embrace him gladly, wrapping my arms around his middle. The fabric of his shirt and pants tease my skin. I press myself against him. He nips my ear. "I love you, aité."

"Mm, are you sure? Are you sure you aren't just in lust with my sexy, boyish body?" I ask playfully, rocking against him.

"Well… there's that too," he answers kissing my neck. Then the next thing I know he's tickling my ribs viciously. I squeal like a fan girl and twist, laughing loudly.

"St-stop… Aya! Youji will hear!" I gasp through my giggles.

He stops and hugs me tightly. "Not likely. He's dead to the world. After all he doesn't have to be up until one." He looks into my eyes and glares, "Smart-ass."

"Yeah, but would you want me any other way?" I ask, nuzzling his neck.

He puts a hand on my face, tilting it back so that he can look at me. He brushes the hair from my eyes. "No." He kisses my forehead.

We lie together for the rest of the early morning. We hold each other, whispering softly, touching gently, kissing now and then. It's nice. So nice to just share time like this. I doze, my head resting in the crook of his neck. It fits there so well. He dozes as well, breathing softly against my skin.

Eventually my nine-thirty alarm goes off. Shop opens in half and hour. We both grumble as we pull apart and force ourselves out of the warm, intimate world we have created together. He gets up first, lingering to touch my face and trace my jaw line with his finger. "I'll see you down-stairs."

I nod, gazing up at him with adoring eyes. He runs a hand through his fine, red hair. He sighs and then turns, walking out into the hallway. I gaze after him longingly. I wish we could just do this all day. I wonder if we can reconvene after work. It's Youji and Omi closing tonight…. I smile at the though of time alone. I breathe out contentedly and then force myself to rise and prepare for the day.

* * * * * *

He smiles at me as we pass each other in the shop. Just a little smile under hooded eyes. He doesn't want to smile too much, that would be dangerous. I try not to smile back, but I feel the corners of my mouth twitch upwards in spite of myself. I remember this morning. I keep walking and go about my business.

The others are so oblivious. Or are they? Perhaps I'm the one that's oblivious, oblivious to everything around me that isn't Ken. I've hardly noticed anything all day. I take the colors of the flowers for granted. I'm working on autopilot. I don't have the will power to make myself live in this moment. Instead I live inside my head. I live in this morning, I live in last night, I live in the chocolate eyes of Ken Hidaka. I want to stand near him, but I won't. I might accidentally touch him without thinking. I might reach out to him, say something to him and give it all away. I wouldn't mind so much, but for him I'll keep away.

He talks to Omi, laughing about something. Omi looks annoyed, probably because Ken wouldn't get up to go running with him this morning. He's never broken that tradition before, but he broke it for me... or because of me. I kept him up. I hadn't planned on it, but I was glad that I did, hoped he was glad as well. But that smile and this morning tell me he is.

He glances at me quickly over Omi's head. Omi doesn't notice; he's too busy being putout. He rolls his eyes. I really smile this time. I run a hand through my hair and lick my lips... just slightly. I know he likes this, me being silly. I wink, still smiling. He starts to laugh.

"What's so funny, Ken-kun!" Omi snaps.

"Nothing, Omi, nothing," he says, still chuckling, holding up his hands.

Youji has been watching from behind a fichus. He gives me a look and mouths, 'what was that about?'. I glare at him. Then I shrug and wink. Best make him think I'm just in a weird mood. He looks at me like I might be going crazy and then goes back to pruning the fichus. Oops.

I head towards the back room. I've gotta do something to make it look like I'm working. It isn't like me to slack off.

"Where are –you- going?" Omi calls after me. He's in a bad mood now, he usually doesn't snap at people, much less me. But then Ken can have that effect. I feel bad for Omi. It wasn't fair of me to make Ken break his promise.

"The back room. What's it look like? I'm going to check the back stock. Somebody has to."

He shrugs and turns back to Ken, but Ken is no longer paying any attention to Omi. He is watching me. I turn and walk into the back. It's dark so I flip on a light, a fluorescent light. The lack of ambiance is startling. I pick at the seed packets and pots, trying to make it sound like I have a purpose back here.

I stand in the center of the narrow room and sigh. It's going to be a long day. Then the door swings open and Ken comes in. Without a word he grabs my belt loops, pulls me towards him, and then pushes me against one of the walls. The shelves rattle. He kisses me passionately. He's aggressive today, this is unusual, but I like it. He bites my lip and shoves me against the wall again. I grunt, the shelves rattle. "Ken…." I groan.

"Shh, not so loud. I'm 'in the bathroom,'" he says giving my belt loops a good tug. I smile and take his face in my hands. I kiss him like I mean it. I run my tongue over his teeth and explore every little nook in his mouth. He lets me play. Then he starts to fight back with his own tongue, taking my mouth. I let him play.

Then suddenly he releases my pants and tears himself away. "I gotta go back. Only two hours and we're off," he says breathlessly. He turns to walk away, but I reach after him, grabbing his arm, twisting him around quickly. I pull him back to me, kissing him savagely. Then I push him away.

"Go," I say through bruised lips. I'm getting too excited; I can feel the tightness. He studies my face and then nods, forcing himself to turn and go back into the shop. It's hard for both of us.

When he goes I lean back against the shelves and ruminate over Ken. I run my hand up through my hair. I study his every nuance in my mind. His body, god it drives me crazy. The way he moves, how sure he is of his space. His toned… everything. His hair, the way it smells, the way –he- smells, his mouth, so tempting, his eyes… I could get lost in them. So deep. Last night only left me hungry for so much more. Driving Ken to ecstasy was blatantly erotic. (Way to state the obvious, Ran.) I remember it all: his quivering young body, his reluctance, his acceptance, and his shamelessness, crying out for fulfillment.

And I only want more, more Ken. I want him to scream for me, and I want him to make me scream. All in due time. I have to take it slow with Ken, he told me so from the very start. But then again, just now had been a pleasant surprise. I know there is a sexual deviant inside that boy. I smile to myself. I'll find it.

I turn around and go back to fiddling with the shelves. Two hours. I can do this for two more hours, and then…. I smile to myself and touch my swollen lips. I run my hand across my chest. "Oh, aité… the things you do to me."

  


* * *

[1] Zakennayo is the all-purpose Japanese swear word. It means everything from 'shit' to 'fuck off' to 'go blow you mother!' Have something nasty to say to someone? Insert zakennayo here…

Comments: I'm really glad that everyone who hadn't yet read this story is enjoying it. ^_^;; I was worried it was a little on the rusty side. Anyway let me know again if you find any errors or typos anywhere. Thanks again for all your wonderful comments, it really makes my day. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: If I owned the boys I would whore them out and be rich, but I don't so I kill my time doing this instead. -_- Ke ke ke


	5. Points of View

Comments: Comments first this time. This was the first lemon I ever wrote XD. (Remember this is a re-post, I wrote this almost two years ago .) Isn't that exciting? Yes, yes it is. It's also very odd, because I wrote it twice. Once from Ken's POV and then from Aya's POV. (note the title ~_^) Just wanted to explain so that no one is confused or anything like that. Okies? Okies. So enjoy. 

Disclaimer: Smoking causes cancer! Jesus, Youji, don't you watch the new?! (All characters belong to their respective owners.)

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Aya pulls away from me. I can't move. God I feel so good. He makes me feel so good. I'm spent, totally, utterly and completely. My head is buzzing, it always does. Aya straddles my hips and leans over me; he wipes the back of his hand across his mouth and then kisses me. I can taste myself on his lips. We moan into each other. He runs his hands over my body slowly. He knows I'm spent.

"Aya…." I whisper. "Why… why are you so good to me?"

He kisses my neck and nuzzles my ear. "What goes around comes around, aité," he murmurs. His words won't hit me until he leaves.

He rocks his hips against my leg and shivers. I can feel him through the fabric of his pajama pants. I can feel how much he wants me, how hard he is. I reach out to him. I pull his face back to mine, inviting him to kiss me again. He does, but softly. It's goodnight.

He rolls away from me and stands up. I reach out to take his hand before he moves away. He looks down at me.

"Stay?"

"You know I can't, Kenken," he whispers. I don't want to look into his eyes. It hurts. All these little rejections…. Not his, but mine. He leaves for me, because he knows that in the morning I'd be mortified if one of the others found us. Right now I can't think about that… I don't want to, so I ask him to stay, and for me he says no. He knows the drill. I let go of his hand. He turns and walks away, out my door into the night.

For a while I just lie there, staring at the ceiling. I'm recovering. Recovering from Aya. He does this. He comes into my room in the middle of the night, after the others should be asleep and he shows me things I never knew existed. He takes me beyond pleasure into ecstasy with his gentle touches, his kisses, his mouth, everywhere. Always giving. Never taking.

What goes around comes around, aité.

I think about this as I pull out of my lethargy and force myself to get up, move around, put my boxers back on. I'm always amazed at how fast Aya can get me naked. Fwish. I sit back on my bed.

What goes around come around, aité.

What's been coming around? Nothing really. Aya goes around… but I never come around. Always taking… never giving. I rest my face on my knees as I hug them to my body. I sigh. I'm a horrible boyfriend… a worse lover. He never complains, never asks me for more, he seems happy to give me pleasure. I would never have thought Aya would be a person who derives pleasure from the pleasure of others, but he's the most selfless lover I could possibly imagine.

Which must make me the most selfish. I felt how aroused he was, how unsatisfied. I did nothing to relieve him… I never do. I just take it all for granted. I lie spent and wasted before him, sated, completely selfish, done as far as I'm concerned. What an ass-hole.

What goes around comes around, aité.

But, I'm not sure I'm ready to come around. I would give anything to make Aya feel the way he makes me feel, but how could I? He's so sure of what he's doing. I'd be so clumsy, he'd laugh at me. No… he wouldn't. Aya would never make me feel so small. He'd be a patient, wonderful teacher. I blink into my knees. I should go to him. I should come around; I have to stop being selfish. Things will never more forward if I just sit here and let him do all the work.

What goes around comes around, aité.

I stand up and steel myself. I'm going to him. He needs me as much as I need him. I have to stop being such a self-centered prick. I walk to my door and open it quietly. I tip toe down the hallway, and stop at Aya's door. I listen, my breath is coming fast. I can hear my blood in my ears. Should I knock? Aya never knocks on my door, he just comes in. I blink rapidly and then quietly turn the knob. The door opens silently and I step into Aya's room. It's dark, darker than my room. The air feels heavy. I haven't spent much time in Aya's room, it's strange. He always comes to me. If I started hanging out in here it would look rather suspicious, I'm afraid. I let the way the room feels sink into my skin. I hear no sound; I can see Aya on his bed, covers pulled up. I cross to him. He doesn't move.

It isn't until I crawl up onto his bed, crawl up over him, straddle him, touch his face, whisper his name, kiss his face that he stirs. He wakes softly, eyes opening slowly. He doesn't jump or start like I would have, he just looks up at me. He furrows his eyebrows. There is concern in his eyes.

"What's wrong, aité? Do you feel ok?" He thinks something is wrong. He can't conceive of any other reason for me to come to him like this. He automatically assumes it's for selfish reasons, after all why else would I come to him? I hate myself for being such a brat for so long. I lean down and kiss him. I run my tongue over his lips, querying for entrance. I can tell he's surprised. I'm not usually aggressive like this, but he deserves it. He deserves this. He opens and I take his mouth.

When the kiss is over I breathe heavily against his skin. He touches me gently, curiously. "I'm sorry, koibito," I whisper. "I've been so selfish. Forgive me for never reciprocating. I… I love you."

"Ken…." He says with wonder in his voice. He reaches up to cradle my face in his hands. I smile down at him.

"Thank you for being so patient, Aya. Let me do this for you… I… I don't know how good I'll be at it, but if you'll help me… I want to fulfill your needs, koibito," I say softly. He looks up at me with his beautiful eyes. He pulls my face to his again and we kiss passionately. My fingers clutch at him. Shaking, I force my hands to let go and run them under his shirt, pushing it up, exposing the pale, cool skin to the air. He shivers. I run my hands over his torso, teasing him where I know he's sensitive. He moans gently, it gives me an incredible rush. Is this what it's like for him when it's me moaning?

I pull away and sit up, straddling his hips. He shifts and sits up as well, hitching me into his lap. He puts his arms around me and pulls me closer. I wrap my legs around his torso. It feels so good to be close like this. He begins to kiss my neck, sucking gently. I whimper softly. He's doing it again… he's taking over, giving. I want to do the giving this time… it's his turn to receive.

I push his head away gently and look into his eyes. "Ran, please let me…." I duck my head and nibble at the base of his throat, where it meets his shoulder. He tightens his arms around me; I squeeze him with my legs. We go on like this for a short time. I play on his senses, touching, kissing, whispering softly. He encourages me with his soft moans and feathery sighs. "Aité… that's… good…."

I can feel it as we become aroused to each other. I rub against him. He groans at the delicious friction. Finally I decide enough is enough. I push his shoulders back until he's lying flat again. My hands are shaking as I run them over his flat stomach and pause to tug at the band of his pants. He lifts off the bed to help me pull them over his hips. I do so and he kicks them the rest of the way off. This is the fist time I've seen him like this, he's beautiful.

I'm suddenly panicked. I can't stop shaking. I want this. I want to do this more than anything, but for some reason I'm terrified. He reaches up to touch my face. "Ken, only if you're sure," he says softly.

I look at him with scared eyes. I swallow and then nod. I can't say anything. He runs his hand down my arm and places it over mine. He guides it gently as he spreads his legs wider. "I'll help, aité. Just… please, Ken…." He looks up at me. He wants this so badly. I can see his need for me in his eyes. He's begging me not to abandon him. I couldn't.

I touch him, my fingers light as feathers. He sighs and closes his eyes. They flutter open again and I explore him tentatively. He keeps his hand over mind, guiding. Here… there, gently… harder. I wrap my fingers around him; I take his length in my hand. We move together. He lets me know when to go faster and slower, when to squeeze and when to be light.

Soon he's panting heavily. Sweat drops form on his light skin. He cries out softly, wordlessly. He pushes up into our hands. I'm surprised at the intensity of Aya's reactions. Is this what I'm like? I can't tell… I never think about it, I just give myself over to the sensation.

"Ken…." He grates. "God… please….nhg!"

I can feel his body tensing beneath me. His hips move restlessly. He's searching for release… he's almost there. I've brought him. But suddenly, before he releases, he roughly pulls both our hands away. He grabs my hips and flips me over, pinning me back against his bed. He stares down at me with intense eyes. He pants heavily and grimaces.

"Aya?" I ask, surprised. "But… you're not…."

"I've waited this long, Ken, I can wait a little longer," he says, trying to control his voice. He pries my legs apart and reaches into my boxers, grabbing me roughly, pulling. I cry out.

I buck under him. He's brutal. I nearly scream. What the hell is going on? He bites my neck, pulling harder, squeezing. I groan in pleasure and pain. "Zakennayo!" I cry.

He presses brutally on my tip, manhandles me in a way I've only dreamed about. He attacks my mouth, raping it with his tongue. I thought I was supposed to be doing the giving. What happened?! "Do you want me, Ken?" he growls sharply.

"God, yes!" I cry, I buck into his hand and spread my legs wider. As soon as I answer he's gentle again. His hand loosens around me; his rhythm is soft and slow. I sigh. He locks his eyes with mine.

"Do you mean it?" he asks softly.

It takes me a moment of searching his eyes to understand what he means. I'm scared again. He rocks his hips against me, pressing his arousal against the thin fabric of my boxers. I shiver… god it feels so damned good. I press back against him. I look into his eyes. "Ken, please," he says, a hint of desperation in his voice.

I swallow and nod. "Yes," I breathe, "I want you, Aya. I'm ready."

He stares at me intently, burning holes into my soul with his eyes. "Are you sure, Ken? Only if you are sure."

I reach up to take his face in my hands. "I'm sure." No one can ever call me a selfish prick after this. I am giving myself to Aya with all that I have. I pull his face to mine and I kiss him, showing him with my mouth how sure I am, how much I truly want him. He groans against me, and then sits up, kneeling back on the bed. I look up at him, I feel vulnerable.

He reaches down and pulls my boxers off quickly, and then pulls his own shirt off up over his head. He tosses both across the room. He leans over me again, placing his hands on the bed, bracing himself above me. He looks down into my eyes. "How do you want to do this?" he asks softly.

I blink up at him. I didn't know I had a variety of options to choose from. I subdue the urge to make a sarcastic remark; it would probably spoil the mood. Instead I shrug slightly and shake my head. "I don't know, koi. I've never done this before."

"You think I have?"

We both smile at each other and chuckle softly. He nuzzles my neck and I run a hand through his hair. "I just want to be able to look into your eyes," I murmur.

"Mm," he agrees. He runs a hand over my chest, gently massaging me. "It's going to hurt… at least at first…."

"I know. It's worth it to be with you," I answer. When did we come to this? To this gentle exchange of words, this openness? I think about how things used to be. When everything was loaded, when Aya wasn't human. I never imagined in a million years back then that I would be softly telling Aya that his love was worth the pain of sodomy. The world can get so fucked.

"I'm going to insist on using lubrication," he says matter-o-factly.

"Well, glad we got that straight," I murmur into his ear.

He grumbles something about 'smart-ass' and then pulls away from me, rolling over towards one of his nightstands. He pulls open a drawer and then comes back to straddle my hips. "Vaseline."

"That should do the trick," I quip. I'm trying to cover up my nervousness. I giggle thinly. Aya sees through me, I expected him to. He leans down and kisses my face.

"Only if you want to, aité."

I laugh nervously and touch his arms. "Don't give me the option, koi. I can't promise you I won't bolt." He kisses me softly again and then pulls back, sliding down the bed. I stare resolutely at the ceiling. What was that saying…'stare at the ceiling and think of England?' Something like that. Only for me it was, '…think of Aya.'

He pushes my legs up and farther apart. He takes my hips in his hands and tilts them slightly. I shiver, I feel so exposed. Zuzushii. I feel him run a Vaseline slicked finger across my opening. A jolt of erotic sensation shoots through my body. This is the first time I've been touched like this. He does it again and I moan softly. He applies a liberal amount of the gel to my anus, pressing gently against the tight mouth, entering me slightly more each time. I'm panting heavily. My hands clutch the sheets in tight knots and I roll my hips. God he hasn't even really done anything, and I'm going out of my mind.

I want him inside of me. I tell him so. "Naka ni kite…." He pushes a second finger into me and I cry out. It feels so amazing… so different from anything I've felt before. The pain is eclipsed by the sheer eroticism of it all.

"Ran-kun… please… just take me," I pant. He runs his free hand over my torso, and leans up to kiss me passionately. I groan loudly into his mouth, I arch my back. I don't care if it's shameless.

He sits up again, spreading Vaseline over his erection. God we're so close. He kneels between my legs and I close my eyes. I feel his hands on my hips, holding them gently, but firmly. I try to relax; I know I need to be relaxed. I feel the tip of him press against my opening. I fight not to tense up, he murmurs to me softly, but I can't hear the words for the rushing in my ears. He presses forward slightly, entering me. I do my best to stretch around him, accommodate him, but this is my first time. Fuck it hurts, but in a way that feels so good.

"Ken…." He groans softly. I wonder how I feel around him. He pushes forward, taking me deeper. I gasp raggedly. He ceases to push, waiting for me to catch up to him. It feels like my bones are being pushed aside, like they are shifting to make room. It feels like my pelvis might crack in half. I swear I can almost hear my tailbone shifting and grating inside as he presses against it. I pant. I push back against him. He takes this as an invitation and pushes farther into me. I clutch the sheets feverishly and toss my head back and forth. I whimper.

"Gently, Ken," he says thickly. I nod as best I can. I just want him inside of me! I want all of him.

"Aya… just finish it," I pant. He braces my hips, holds them tightly and then quickly pushes the rest of the way into me. I'm so tight, god it hurts, but then suddenly there's nothing but pleasure. I cry out, arching my back. He rocks into me again, doing whatever he did once more and I nearly scream. I can feel tears hot in my eyes.

Now he leans forward, letting go of my hips, deep inside me. I shift around him, settle around him, adjust to him. He pins my hands back against the bed, lacing his fingers in mine. I can look up into his eyes. My tears are reflected. I wrap my legs around his torso and squeeze gently, pulling him closer. I shift my hips up slightly so that he can sink into me another fraction, just the slightest bit more. As he does he hits that spot again, I buck, and a wave of pure erotic sensation engulfs my whole body. I shiver from head to foot. He touches my face, gently brushing away my tears. "Gently."

He kisses me again. I can't get enough of him, I tear my hands from his, grabbing at his body, clutching his shoulders, pulling on his hips, running them through his hair. He pulls out of me slightly and then pushes back in, starting a painfully slow rhythm within me. I know that it's all I can handle, but I want more. I rock against him. We pant each other's names, crying out, whimpering, moaning softly. He touches that spot deep within me each time, and it's driving me crazy. I toss my head, sweat beads forming on my skin. I cry openly. I can't stop myself; the joy is too great.

I realize this slowly. It isn't the pleasure. The pleasure is wonderful all on it's own, but that isn't what brings me to tears, it isn't what brings Aya to tears, or causes me to cry out his name and whisper that I love him. It's the joy. The sheer joy of being so close, of making love. It is everything I've been feeling inside shared with the one I love. This is what brings me to tears.

I bite my lip so hard I think it might bleed. I feel his tongue on my skin, his cheek pressed against mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, one hand cradling his head, gently pulling his hair, the fingers of the other digging into his skin. He wraps one arm around my back, grasping my shoulder, pulling me up against him. I tighten my legs around him, pulling him down against me. I groan and cry out as the friction between us grows. He rubs against me, driving me onward towards completion. He's still moving within me. He was so ready just a few minutes ago, how can he stand this?

Then something changes. His breathing comes in quick little gulps and his arm tightens around me so hard that I fear I can't breath. He digs his nails into my shoulder, scratching me. He thrusts into me almost violently, so hard that light explodes behind my eyes when he hits home. I cry out, screaming his name. He growls mine in response, biting my neck savagely. I arch my back and clench around him as hard as I can. Now it's his turn to scream.

He shudders violently and pushes forward one last time, spilling into me. It feels so strange, the sudden warmth, the pressure, so good. His orgasm lasts longer than I would have thought, and he reaches suddenly between us, grabbing me roughly, pulling me, forcing me to come with him. I come harder than I ever have before. My mind spins, I cry out, I tear at him with my hands. He holds me as I spend myself between us; he rocks me slowly. We both gasp for air as he lays me back on the bed, touching my face and brushing my hair from my eyes.

"Ran-kun…," I whisper raggedly. Everything is softness now. I loosen my hold on him, relax my legs, relax everything. His hands flutter over my body, feeling me everywhere, wanting me to be alright. His lips brush mine, and he sighs softly.

We lie together, he is still inside of me, but still now. We breathe together, bodies intertwined, sweat slick, and sticky. I whisper softly in his ear, and it takes me a moment to realize that he is crying against my shoulder. I touch him gently, caressing him, running my hands through his hair. "Hush, koi," I murmur.

"Ken… God, I love you so… I never thought I could feel this much again…. Thank you, aité," he whispers, so softly I barely hear. I kiss his face and whisper to him softly. I tell him how much I love him, that I'll never leave him. I tell him how thankful I am that he's here with me, and that I need him. He pulls his head up to look into my eyes. He cups my face in his hands again, brushing away tears and hair. We stare at each other for a long time. I get lost in his eyes, lost in Aya.

"What goes around comes around, koi," I finally say. He smiles sweetly and kisses me deeply, slowly. We hold each other, absorbed in the afterglow. I never want to leave his arms… ever. But then he pulls away, I feel him leave me, and I shiver. He traces a hand down my body, through the mess I've made of myself, and of him as well. He smiles again and then gets out of bed, standing up. He walks to the door and turns to look back.

"I'll be back in a minute. We need to get cleaned up." Then he opens the door and walks away.

I lie back, feeling how heavy everything is. I can barely move my arms. Aya's so practical, always thinking about things like getting cleaned up. I smile and run my hand over my own body. I shift slightly and wince, deciding that shifting is not a good idea just yet.

Aya comes back cleaned up. He has a washcloth, wet, and a towel, dry. I look up at him, "Now why do I feel like I'm having déjà vu?"

"Because I'm always having to clean up after you, Kenken," he says silkily, beginning to wipe me off with the warm cloth. He's so gentle, just like always. When he's done he tosses both towels across the room into his laundry bag.

"Three points, nothin' but net," I say starting to sit up. I wince again as I prop myself up on my elbows and bring my legs in, closing them together. I suck air between my teeth.

"You ok?" Aya asks kindly.

I nod. "I'm gonna be sore tomorrow. Oh well, kinda reminds me of soccer practice. Not exactly like shin splints, but…." I look over at Aya and grin. His mouth twitches up at the corners and he comes back to the bed, ruffling my hair. He trails his hand down my face and tilts my chin up so that he can look into my eyes.

"Stay?" he asks softly.

I swallow and then smile sadly. "Always."

* * * * * *

He cries out hoarsely. He comes in my mouth. It's hot and sweet. I swallow it as best I can, taking him into my body, but some of him escapes. I ignore it; I'll wipe it away later. He relaxes, his whole body falling limply back onto the bed. I pull away from him and sit up. God, he's gorgeous. His cheeks are flushed with pleasure, his body just slightly shining with sweat. I crawl up over him, wiping the last taste of him from my mouth and kiss his lips lovingly. He arches against me gently and I run my hand over his slick body, feeling his muscles ripple beneath my fingers. He's done. The poor kid is completely spent.

He hisses through his teeth, "Aya…. Why… why are you so good to me?"

I smile to myself, kissing his neck gently. I say the first thing I can think of. "What goes around comes around, aité." And some day you will, too, Kenken.

I show him how much I mean what I've said. I rock against him, letting him feel how aroused I am. The feeling is incredible as I brush against his body. A shiver of pleasure and expectancy runs through me. Maybe this time he'll reach out, take the step to love me in return. He touches my face gently, taking it in his hands. I can feel how tired he is as he kisses me. He opens his mouth, but his energy is gone, so I kiss him softly to let him know it's over. I never want to push him again. I want him to come to me on his own terms. When he does I know the pain of waiting will be worth it.

Before I let myself get any more lost in my desire for Ken I pull away from him, rolling away and standing up abruptly. I mean to leave quickly before I can resent him, but he reaches after me, taking my hand. He laces his fingers in mine, and looks up at me with his soulful brown eyes. I look back, wanting so much more. I know what's coming, and it hurts.

"Stay?" he asks softly. He does this. He doesn't know how much it kills me each time. He doesn't mean it. He asks, because he knows I'll say no. There is nothing I want more than to hold him all night, but he could never stand the risk of being discovered by the others. So he asks, wanting me to say no.

"You know I can't, Kenken," I manage to choke. He lies there, not looking into my eyes. After a moment he lets his fingers slip from mine and closes his eyes. I turn and walk away, leaving him to the night.

I close his door behind me and slump to the wall, resting my forehead against it. I breathe raggedly. My hand moves almost of its own accord, slipping into my pants. I touch myself tentatively, running my fingers gently along my length. God, I'm so ready, so fucking hard. I think of Ken as I pleasure myself.

What am I doing?! I can't jerk myself off in the hallway! I growl as I leave off and force myself to turn and go back to my room.

When, Ken?! How long are you going to make me wait?

I throw myself down onto the bed and grumble, running a hand over my hyper sensitive body. I'm so turned on, so hot, and there is no release. I shouldn't be angry with Ken, but I can't help but feel frustrated. I pushed him beyond his limits that night in the bathroom, and I don't want to get in the habit of rushing him, or making him feel like I always will. Giving Ken pleasure is wonderful. The rush it gives me hearing him cry out for me and beg me to give him completion is so intense it's almost enough. But of course it will never be enough. I want to feel what he feels. I want him to give to me what I give to him.

Alone with my thoughts I grumble again and force myself to calm down. I seriously contemplate throwing myself into a cold shower, but decide to just curl up in fetal position instead. The best way to deal with this is to fall asleep. I'll have to be patient. I told Ken I would wait for him, and I will.

I yank the covers up around me and bury myself in my pillows. Sleep claims me faster than I would have thought. Well, it's not exactly sleep, but I doze off easily. I lie still, calming my nerves.

I vaguely hear my door open and close, but through my sleep haze it doesn't really register, so I go on dozing. I feel my bed sag with an added weight and then through the sleep I feel warmth, gentle fingers, and the brush of lips against my face. I open my eyes slowly. I'm not startled; it's hard to be startled when you feel as lethargic as I do. I look up into Ken's face. He looks worried, or hurt. There's something in his eyes….

"What's wrong, aité?" I ask. Did he have regrets this time… or was it another nightmare? "Are you ok?"

I gaze up at him and there's something playing across his face. It looks sad and pained, and I want to reach out to him, touch him. He makes a hissing sound between his teeth. It sounds a lot like self-contempt, and I know what that sounds like. Then he leans over me and without a word kisses me passionately. His tongue plays at my lips and slips between them. It's just like that morning in the back room, Ken being aggressive. He takes my mouth roughly and I lie there, letting him do what he wants.

Then he pulls away, ending the kiss and breathes against me. I feel his warm breath on my skin, tickling me. I touch his arms and chest, searching for something. He whispers in my ear, "I'm sorry, koibito. I've been so selfish. Forgive me for never reciprocating. I… I love you."

I've heard him say the words before, but every time it makes me want to cry or shout or laugh with joy. He loves me, and I don't think I'll ever understand why…. "Ken…." I take his face in my hands so that I can look into his eyes. He smiles sweetly.

"Thank you for being so patient, Aya. Let me do this for you… I… I don't know how good I'll be at it, but if you'll help me…." He trails off, and then swallows, finding the words he wants. "I want to fulfill your needs, koibito."

Oh God, just hearing him say it is almost enough to make me come. After waiting all this time, Ken has finally come to me wanting me. Touching his face is like holding fire in my hands. I pull it down to mine and kiss him like I mean it. He begins to shake slightly and then slowly pushes his hands up my body. He presses and pinches, teasing me fiercely. I groan. How could I not?

He makes a satisfied little click sound in the back of his throat; I bet he doesn't even know he did it. He pulls away from me, sitting up, sitting on my thighs. I sit up as well, grasping his hips and pulling him into my lap. I want to be as close as possible. I hold him tightly and he wraps his long legs around by back, squeezing me. Shit it feels good. I nip at his neck, biting gently, kissing, sucking. His hands clutch at my hair and he whimpers. I love driving him crazy.

But then he pushes me away, panting. He looks into my eyes. "Ran, please let me…." He wants to be the one doing the driving crazy. But doesn't he understand that his little moans, his cries and whimpers are enough to make me completely insane? He ducks his head and picks up where I left off. He nibbles at my neck and shoulder, biting playfully. I hold him tighter and he responds by drawing me closer with his legs. I could die happy right now wrapped up in Ken.

He plays with me like this for a little while. He uses his mouth and fingers to tease, touching me softly, whispering sweetly in my ear. God, he's so sincere. I'll never deserve him. I sigh softly, murmuring encouragement. "Aité… that's… good," I moan gently.

Then he rocks against me and between us there is only pleasure. He pushes my shoulders back, telling me it's time. I lie back, letting him guide me with his hands. He looks down at me and smiles slightly, running his hand over my stomach and tugging at the band of my flannel bottoms. Feeling adventurous, aité? Well then I'll let you do the work for once. I lift my hips slightly, inviting him to remove my pants. I'm slightly surprised when he does; I thought he'd be more inhibited than that. He can be such a squirmer. But then, I know Ken's as hot for this as I am. I kick my pants the rest of the way off and lie before him. He looks down at me.

Oh, wait… there it is, the panic. He's shaking slightly. Got in a little deeper than you planned, Kenken? My shy koibito. I promised myself that I wouldn't push you again, so…. I reach up and touch his face, to let him know I'm here. He looks at me with scared eyes; I wonder why I frighten him so much. "Ken, only if you're sure…."

He stares at me, he knows he can't leave me like this even if I tell him it's ok. Finally he nods slightly, unable to speak. I let my hand slowly run down his face, his neck, across his shoulder, and down his arm. I take his hand in mine. I know what he needs right now, what he wants from me. I push his hand down, spreading my legs. "I'll help," I say softly and then without meaning to I add, "Just… please, Ken…." I'm begging him to stay with me, just this once. I need him to know how much this means.

His finger brush over me, tentative with that first forbidden touch. I sigh, relief and expectation mingling. I close my eyes, wanting to fall into the sensation, but I need to keep my promise. I guide him with my hand, letting him know what I need, what I want. He's very giving. He listens to my body in a way that surprises me; he's so attuned to what I'm silently telling him.

It doesn't take long for him to drive me deep. I cry out, arching my back, pushing into our hands. He responds perfectly, doing exactly what I need him to. I moan and call his name quietly. I know he likes this; he likes being in control like this. I wonder if he realizes it….

"Ken…! God… please….nhg!" Shit, I'm close. But I don't want to give this up. I don't want to waste this opportunity to press my advantage with Ken. He's open right now, responsive to my needs and our mutual desires. If I let him bring me all the way it will be lost, and I'll have to work twice as hard some other night. No, I've waited long enough. I won't let him stay in control, not when I have so much to gain by taking over.

My hand stills over his, I pull both away and then grab his hips, flipping him, pinning him beneath me. I ache so badly it's torture to make him stop, but as I look down into Ken's startled eyes, I know it will be worth it.

"Aya?" he asks, surprised. "But… you're not…."

"I've waited this long, Ken, I can wait a little longer," I grated fiercely. I've got to keep myself in check, but staring into those innocent, loving eyes of his is making it very difficult. I pry his legs apart and reach into his boxers, roughly grabbing him. I tug and he nearly screams. He's so sensitive. He bucks upwards, tossing his head.

I bite him and squeeze harder. He gasps and shouts, "Zakennayo!"

I almost laugh to myself, he's got quite a dirty little mouth. I have to make Ken want this; I have to make him feel the frustration that I have felt. I use him roughly. I want to take his mouth, so I do. He gasps and groans around me as I continue to manhandle him. When I leave off of his bruised lips I lean close to his ear and growl, "Do you want me, Ken?"

"God, yes!" he screams. There is no hesitation as he thrusts upward and opens himself to me, spreading his legs wider, unconsciously inviting me to take him. And this is what I want. Ken is acting purely on his senses, giving into them, letting go of all those inhibitions of his. My heart races and I cease to abuse him. 

"Do you mean it?" I ask softly. It's a loaded question, but I need the answer.

He looks up and searches my eyes. He's looking for the meaning to my words. He finds it. I can tell because there is fear again. I don't want him to be afraid, I want him to want this. I remind him of the pleasure, pressing my groin against the fabric of his boxers, rocking gently against his anus. A shiver runs through his body and he closes his eyes. He presses back and the softest moan escapes his lips. He looks into my eyes. "Ken, please," I murmur. I can't take anymore of this. I need him to need me.

He swallows hard and then nods. His breath is fast. "Yes. I want you Aya. I'm ready."

My heart races. I stare into his eyes, searching for any sign of unwillingness. I don't want to push him. It isn't worth it if I do. "Are you sure, Ken? Only if you are sure," I say firmly. And I mean it.

He smiles at me gently and reaches up to take my face in his hands. "I'm sure." He pulls my face down and the kiss he gives me says everything I want to hear. 

I sit up, straddling his legs. I remove his boxers quickly and then take off my shirt. I want to feel him against me. I lean over him again. I'm going to let him set the parameters. "How do you want to do this?"

He blinks at me and I see the faintest trace of amusement in his dark eyes. He shrugs and shakes his head. "I don't know, koi. I've never done this before."

"You think I have?" I ask softly. We both giggle. For an instant the entire situation is ludicrous. Then he reaches out and nuzzles my neck, I run a hand through his soft, warm hair.

"I just want to be able to look into your eyes," he breathes.

"Mm." Sounds perfect to me. I run a hand over his body. I wonder how much he knows. I don't want him to be surprised or frightened. "It's going to hurt… at least at first…."

"I know. It's worth it to be with you," he answers lovingly. God I could melt. His acceptance of us… of me… it's brutal. When? When did it come to this?

I have to say something that's sensible so I don't turn into a pile of mush. "I'm going to insist on using lubrication." That sounded very strange.

"Glad we got that straight," he says sarcastically into my ear. What a smart-ass. I roll away, reaching into the drawer of my nightstand. I grab the little jar of Vaseline that I have taken to keeping there… just in case. I straddle his hips again. "Vaseline," I report.

"That should do the trick," he says; he's trying to make light of the situation, but I hear the strain in his voice. I look down at him and he giggles strangely. I want him to feel safe. I lean down and kiss his face.

"Only if you want to, aité," I repeat into his ear. He laughs again, but thinly. He touches my arms; his hands are shaking.

"Don't give me the option, koi. I can't promise you I won't bolt," he says, trying to be joking, but I know there is a certain amount of truth in his words. I won't give him the option then. I kiss him tenderly, and then pull away, sliding back on the bed. He stares at the ceiling, his fists clenched at his sides. I wonder what he's thinking.

I push his legs up and apart, exposing his tight entrance. I tilt his hips with my hands, so that he'll be more accessible to me. Dipping a finger in the Vaseline I run it gently over the opening and Ken jolts at the new sensation. I repeat the touch and he moans gently. He's so ready. I spread more of the slick gel over him, pushing my finger deeper inside of him with each pass. He's so hot around me, so tight. I don't want this to be too painful. He moans again and his hands grab at my sheets. Driving Ken out of his mind is so easy, and so fulfilling. He rolls his hips slightly, telling me he wants more.

His words echo his body language. "Naka ni kite…." He rasps hoarsely. Enter me…. I push another finger into him and he cries out wordlessly. I push both a little farther and he tenses around me. He moans, "Ran-kun… please… just take me."

I run my hand over his hyper sensitive skin and then kiss him madly. Oh, aité, the things you do to me…. He arches into me, his inhibitions gone. Enough of this. I don't want to wait any longer. I sit up and spread Vaseline over myself and then take his hips firmly in my hands. I don't want him jerking wilding and hurting himself. I gently press the tip of my erection against his tight anus, pushing forward ever so slightly. He jerks as I enter him a fraction, but he forces himself to maintain control. I can't believe it's finally happening, that Ken is allowing us to make love. I want him so badly I can hardly stand it, but I have to be gentle… I have to go slowly. For Ken's sake. I press forward a little more, slipping into him. I hope he's getting some pleasure out of this.

"Ken…," I groan softly. I take him deeper, pressing forward with a bit more urgency now. He gasps in both pain and pleasure, and I cease my intrusion, waiting for him, waiting until he's ready for more. He lies still for a moment and then moans softly, pressing back into me, wanting me to be deeper within him. I push forward. God I never imagined it would feel this good, that Ken could feel this fucking good. His hands claw at the sheets and his head tosses feverishly. His hips buck just slightly, but I hold them down, I don't want him to hurt himself. He whimpers and squeezes his eyes shut.

"Gently, Ken," I say, fighting to make my voice work. All it wants to do is cry his name, sob in relief and ecstasy. He nods. He wants me to take him, but I have to be gentle.

"Aya…," he nearly sobs, "just finish it." He pants heavily and I do the same. If that's what you want, Kenken. You'll feel better then anyway. I take a deep breath and grasp his hips tightly before thrusting forward, entering him completely. His eyes fly wide in pain and then he shudders as the pleasure overwhelms him. He cries out, arching his back. His hands tangle in his hair; he doesn't even notice what he's doing to himself. I rock into him again, wanting to show him pleasure he never knew existed. I hit his prostate again and he chokes on a scream of ecstasy. Tears begin to form in his eyes.

Looking down at him, his beautiful body writhing and tensing I feel like I might fall apart. He's here for me, giving himself over to me. He trusts me completely; he would never have come here tonight if he didn't. I feel my heart catch, my stomach tightens and twists, I want to show him. I need him to know how thankful I am that he accepts me, that he wants to pleasure me. My eyes begin to tear as well. I want to sob his name and hold him against me. I release his hips.

I lean down, pinning his hands back against the bed, my fingers in his, looking down into his blushing face. We stare into each other's eyes; I drink of him. He shifts, lacing his legs behind my back, pulling me down against him and tilting his hips upwards of his own accord. I sink into him the tiniest bit more, but that fraction is enough to spin him into ecstasy again. He shudders around me. I moan softly, and release one of his hands. I touch his face, brushing away his hair and his tears. "Gently," I murmur.

We kiss again. Ken writhes around me, adjusting to my intrusion. He pulls his hands free and clutches madly at my body. He sighs and whimpers against me. He tugs on my hips and runs his shaking fingers through my hair. It feels so damn good to be needed by him. I pull out of him slowly and then rock back again, beginning a rhythm that we can both handle. He raises his hips to meet me, he makes love to me. We get lost in each other, moaning, crying, whispering, and whimpering. I say his name over and over again. I wonder if he can hear me. I push forward into him again and again; he's so hot around me it's all I can do to keep myself from climaxing prematurely. The tears slip from my eyes. There is nothing I can do to stop them. They mingle with the sweat of my body and fall to mingle with the sweat of his as well.

I recall my words that night. _I_ _know that you aren't ready yet, Ken, but when we finally make love…it is going to be the most wonderful thing that has ever happened. I can feel it. It is going to be beautiful and perfect and so incredibly –right- that you will never doubt that we are meant to be together._ I was right.

I lick his neck and breath against him. I press my face to his. He wraps his arms around me, tangling his fingers in my hair, holding my head. It feels good to be nurtured. The fingers of his other hand dig into my skin sharply. I want him closer to me. I put my arm around him, grasping his shoulder and pull him up against me. I murmur to him as he pulls me down with his legs. So close, so together. I can feel how close I am. It's torture, holding out. I've waited long enough, Ken is mine. I breathe quickly, gasping as I thrust into him hard, the friction makes my head swim. Ken screams, calling out my name. I growl his back, and bite his neck possessively. He raises his hips and clenches his muscles down around me so tightly I think it's going to kill me. I scream in response, burying my face in his neck.

One last thrust, that's all I can manage, and I climax, ejaculating into his tight, young body with a force that rocks my world. But I can't be the only one. I reach between our sweat-slick bodies and grab him, pulling, forcing him to come with me. He does. He gasps and cries out, digging his nails into my body, tearing madly at me. I hold him gently, letting him come between our bodies, spending his seed. I cradle his trembling body, rocking him in my arms. I lay him back gently, and brush his matted hair from his pleasure-glazed eyes.

He whispers my name, my real name. "Ran-kun…." He speaks to my soul; I don't have to pretend with him… never again. We relax slowly. His legs loosen around me and let go. He arms hang limply around my neck. I let my hands flutter over him, feeling him, wanting to make sure he isn't hurt in any way. I kiss him briefly, lips brushing sweet lips.

I remain wrapped up in his warmth, unwilling to leave him. I bury my face in his neck and am overcome by my tears. I can't stop weeping. Nothing matters now. Everything is complete. As long as I have him, I will never need anything else. He… he truly has saved my soul. He whispers to me. He touches me lovingly, comforting me. "Hush, koi," he says compassionately.

I choke on a soft sob. "Ken… God, I love you so… I never thought I could feel this much again…. Thank you, aité," I manage to whisper. I'll never be able to express the extent of my gratitude. But then he's kissing me gently whispering in my ear. He tells me all the things I want to say, all the things I want to hear. He says he loves me. He promises that this is for always. He thanks me for my love, for being with him, for making love to him, and then tells me he needs me. How can it be so easy for him? I pull my head up; I want to gaze into his eyes. I brush his hair away once more and gently thumb away his last tears. I gaze into his eyes. The endless eyes of Ken Hidaka. I never want to see anything else.

"What goes around comes around, koi," he says softly. My heart feels like it is going to fly apart. I smile and kiss him deeply. Then we just hold each other, not worrying about anything but being together. I wish it could just be like this forever… but eventually I know I have to get practical. I pull away, pulling myself out of him. A little shiver ripples through his body. I run my hand through the sticky mess across his torso. I know it's all over me too. I stand and walk to the door quickly. I look back as he lies there, watching me with those eyes. "I'll be back in a minute. We need to get cleaned up."

I walk to the bathroom and quickly grab a towel and a washcloth. I clean myself up first, wiping down my stomach and whatever else is messier than necessary. I wash my face in cold water, and then study my face in the mirror. I look healthier than I ever have. My skin practically glows… Ken: does a body good. I want to get back to him, I know that the pain is going to be catching up with him, and I want to be there.

I grab a clean towel and wet another washcloth before hurrying back to my room. I push open the door and shut it after me. I cross to the bed and stare down at Ken's beautifully prostrate body.

"Now why do I feel like I'm having déjà vu?" he asks raising an eyebrow.

"Because I'm always having to clean up after you, Kenken," I respond slyly. He grins at me as I begin to wipe him off gently. I don't want to jar him; I know he has to be sore. Cleaning him up like this reminds me so strongly of that first night of exploration…. When I'm done and he is clean I toss both the towel and the washcloth across the room into my laundry basket.

"Three points, nothin' but net," he quips as he starts to sit up. I see him wince as he pulls his legs in. He hisses between his teeth. I hate to see him in pain.

"You ok?" I ask, hoping he won't reprimand me for being too rough.

"I'm gonna be sore tomorrow. Oh well, kinda reminds me of soccer practice. Not exactly like shin splints, but…." He grins at me with that big, goofy grin of his. I can't help but smile slightly. I ruffle his hair lovingly. He can be such a kid. I run my hand down his beautiful face and tilt his chin upwards so that I can look into his eyes. "Stay?"

His eyes are hurt, but there is love in them. He swallows and then smiles distantly. "Always."


	6. Smells Like

"Sunshine… on my shoulders makes me… happy," I slur under my breath. What the hell is wrong with the world? Sunlight… too much sunlight…. "Omittchi! Argh, Omittchi!?" I wave my hands around lamely in the air. I'm in danger of falling off the couch.

"What, Youji?" he snaps from somewhere behind me.

"Help me, Omi-chan… the light… it hurts," I moan. He stomps around the couch and stares down at me with narrow eyes. Hmmm… Omi with narrow eyes. Not something we get to see often. He doesn't say anything as he stomps to the window and snaps the blinds shut. "Ahhh… thanks, kiddo."

"You know, Yotan, if you weren't such an onna tarashi[1] and didn't come home drunk every night, maybe you wouldn't be so hung over all day! Putaro[2]!" he yells. God my ears are ringing. I'd like to get the little shit drunk… really drunk just once so he'd know what this feels like.

  


"Listen to the mouth on the bishounen today," I say. "Where'd you learn to talk that like, Omittchi? It isn't becoming."

"Zakennayo! It's a good thing for you that Ken and Aya sent me up here to check on you, or else you'd just be S.O.L. It isn't like Aya to be doling out free time, and since they have to pull double duty this morning that means we are going to have to pull the long haul till closing. Thanks a lot Youji! I hate Saturdays," he grumbles.

"Oh, hell it could be worse. I'll be fine by our shift as long as you keep bringing me that water. And some coffee would be nice…."

He smacks my arm, hard. "I am not your personal maid!"

"Well, what the hell did you come up here for then?!" I growl. "You're supposed to be helping me recuperate! Now stop being a bitch and make some coffee."

He glares at me. "Why couldn't Ken do this?! Or Aya?! They know I hate looking after you when you're hung over. Why can't you just stay home for once?"

I look over at him blearily. "What did you want me to do, Omi-chan? It was Friday night! I –had- to go out."

"You didn't –have- to do anything!" he snaps. Then he stomps away into the kitchen. I hear him rattle with the cupboards. I settle back against the couch and drape my arm over my eyes. Ohhh, I shouldn't have gone that last round of shots, but it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

I ruminate. Come to think about it, it was weird that Ken and Aya had sent Omi up to baby-sit me. In fact, come to think of it a lot of things about Ken and Aya were weird lately. Aya seems so blissfully unaware of his surroundings, which isn't normal. It's normal for Aya to be aloof, sure, but not with a smile on his face. And Ken's so… jumpy lately. I mean, yeah, he's a spaz, and we all know that, but lately it's like you bump him and he freaks or touch his arm to get his attention and he jumps out of his socks. The kid's weird. And what the hell was up with the other day? Aya making weird faces behind Omi's back at Ken. And *winking* at me! What was that?! And now Ken's blowing off Omi for no particular reason, or because he's 'tired.' That's not like Ken. The guy loves to work out. He takes pride in his athleticism. It's all weird.

I think over this and come to a decision. "Omittchi!" I wave my hands above the couch again. I hear him grumble and stomp back towards me. He smacks my hands down and I grab his arm firmly.

"What do you want? I was just making you coffee," he snaps.

I tug on his arm. "Tell me, Omi-kun, do you think things are weird around here?"

He tugs back. "How so?"

"Like… noticed anything weird about either of our teammates lately?" I ask rubbing my eyes.

"Umm… well, Ken has been a little short lately. Snapping at me when I want to do stuff with him, like going running. But that's just because he hasn't been sleeping well."

"Did he say that?"

"Yeah. Every time I wake him up," Omi says peevishly.

"Hmmm… and what about our fearless leader?"

"Aya? I don't know he seems uncharacteristically happy lately, but that's a good thing. I mean he did tell us he wanted to start opening up. So I figure… call it victory."

I think about this for a few minutes. It could just be as Omi says. There might not be anything odd going on. It might just be the ebb and flow of personalities. But then again… there was that smell. The smell, yes what about that? I first smelled it last night when I came home, just before I passed out in the hallway. And I seem to recall that I knew at that time exactly what the smell was, but now I can't remember. I was all over the upstairs. Faint… almost undetectable, but it was a smell I knew and knew well… but what exactly was it?! No something was defiantly going on. I wasn't a detective for nothing. I had intuition about this shit. Why did I have the feeling that it was something blatantly obvious…?

"Well, Omi-kun, be that as it may, I think that something is going on. And I will not rest until I figure it out."

Omi pulls his arm away and I can feel him roll his eyes. "What kind of something do you suppose, oh hung over guru?"

"Something secret."

"Oh, you are so profound," he says in exasperation. "There is nothing going on. People get in bad moods and good moods for that matter. Let it go, Yotan."

I drape my arm back over my eyes. "Oh, you just wait and see, Omittchi, you just wait and see. There is something going on and I am going to find out what. Just keep your eyes and ears open."

"Whatever," he sighs. He turns to go and then pauses and looks back at me over his shoulder. "Well… there was last night…."

"Last night?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that Ken and Aya got in a pretty big fight. And pretty late at night too. It woke me up and they were just letting into each other… at least I think that's what I heard. I was too tired to go and yell at them so I put my headphones on and went back to sleep. Maybe they aren't getting along. Maybe they're fighting again like they used to and that's what's keeping Ken up…."

I eye Omi from beneath my arm and sniff once. "Maybe, but somehow that doesn't seem quite right. Besides they weren't mad at each other this morning were they?"

Omi shrugs and shakes his head. "No… not at all. They were quite pleasant actually. Well, whatever."

I hear him walk away, past the couch into the kitchen. I grumble and roll over, burying my face in the couch pillows, "Hurry up with that coffee!"

* * * * * *

We are standing on the docks. Damn it's cold. It's times like these that I wonder why I wear a crop top. It makes little sense. I wear this big ass coat that is completely defeated by the lack of shirt not covering my stomach. I shiver. The wind is whipping the harbor around us into a little frenzy of white caps. The docks pitch up and down. Omi doesn't look so good.

"Ok, so let's get this over with!" I snap clutching my arms around my body. Aya looks over at me with passive, empty eyes. Even in the dark I can see how they glow.

"Be patient."

"Fuck patient, I'm freezing and Omi is about to hurl. If you are going to make us stand here can I at least borrow Ken's sweater?" I say through gritted teeth.

"No!" Ken says incredulously.

"Why? It's not like you're actually using it!" I shoot back.

He glares at me, I glare back. Omi makes a squelching sound and Aya grumbles in exasperation. Another mission off to a great start.

Aya motions to us and we huddle up. "There are two targets. The occupants of slots F14 and G5. We know why we're here. This should be very straightforward. We'll split into two teams. Ken and I will take F14. Youji you take Omi and…."

"Wait a second," I hiss. "That's not a good idea, fearless leader."

Aya glares at me. I roll my eyes. "You can't put the two long range guys together. If we get rushed in a tight spot… like a boat… then Omi and I will have no way to defend ourselves hand to hand. Razor Wire is all well and good if I've got some room to use it, but point blank it's like slapping people with floss."

"Yeah," Omi pipes up, "and I'm terrible at hand to hand. I can cover one of you guys," he indicates Ken and Aya, "but I can't throw darts at people in boat corridors!"

Ken and Aya exchange a funny glance. I look over at Omi and he shrugs.

"Oh for the love of God! Ken's with me, Aya you take Omi. Enough said!" I snap. Aya looks like he's going to protest. I can't imagine why. He knows that I'm right. It's foolish to pair Omi and me up on a mission like this.

Ken breaks in before Aya can say anything. "Sounds good. Youji's obviously right," he says firmly. Again that funny glance between them. I log it for later processing.

"Let's go," Aya says. He and Omi slip off into the shadows of a large fishing boat. I shake my head.

I look over at Ken who is watching them as they disappear into the gloom. "Hope they're ok…."

"What is wrong with you?" I snap. He looks over at me with wide eyes. He swallows hard and looks away again.

"What do you mean?" he squeaks.

I shake my head. "Never mind. Let's just get this over with, Kenken." We both move off down the docks. Spaz.

* * * * * *

Mission accomplished. I help Ken down from the blood slick yacht deck. He took a nasty blow to the head with a lifeboat oar and he's weaving a bit. He slumps against me and makes a funny sound. I sling his arm around my shoulder and get him moving.

"Come on, Ken, walk it off," I say softly. He mumbles something incoherent. Good thing the adrenaline kept him on his feet up till now. I'd have been a sitting duck if he'd gone down on the boat. "Walk it off."

"Where's… Aya-kun?" he groans.

"On the other boat. Hopefully he and Omi are done by now."

"Hope…fully…." He sighs and I have to mostly drag him down the pier. We're supposed to be meeting back at the harbormaster's. The idea of getting to carry Ken all the way back up there is not overwhelmingly joyous. I make a decision. I sit us both down in the shadow of a large ship and pull out my wristwatch, pressing a small button. A series of bleeps echoes over the headset in my ear. I wait.

"*Crackle* What?" it's Aya. "Where are you?"

"Pier G, somewhere. Ken took a hit to the head. I think he's in concussion city. Oh, no no Kenken, no sleepy time," I say gently slapping at Ken's face as he sags against me.

"Sleepy… time…." He murmurs.

There is a pause over the headset and then, "I'm coming for you. Wait there." Was there an unprecedented amount of concern in that statement or was it just me? I lean back against the ship and slap at Ken's face again.

"Sit up, Kenken."

"Just… let me sleep… koi…." My eyebrows shoot upwards. Koi? Who's koi? Now I know there is something funny going on. At least with Ken. Is Ken getting late night booty calls without my knowledge? But that can't be right. I can smell a woman a mile away. Especially a woman I don't already know. Maybe he's been sneaking out… third-rate romance, low rent rendezvous? Ken?! It would explain his lack of sleep, but it seems rather ludicrous. But still….

I must have been pondering for longer than I thought because suddenly the sound of feet thudding down the pier breaks my reverie. I look up and there's Aya, larger than life streaking towards us. Man he's hustling.

"Over here, fearless leader," I call. He stops and whips his head around. He peers into the shadows and then walks hurriedly towards us. He ignores me completely. He kneels down next to Ken and roughly grabs the poor kid's shoulders. He shakes him. He turns Ken's head and examines the gash in his hairline. Ken sags and mumbles something inarticulate.

"Ken!" he snaps. "Stay awake."

Ken's head lolls on his shoulders and he slumps forward against Aya's chest. "Ok… koi," he mumbles.

My eyebrows shoot up again. Did I just hear what I think I heard? I look at Aya, but he either didn't hear Ken or what he said didn't faze him. He props Ken's head up and slaps him hard. I flinch just thinking about it. "I mean it, Ken! No sleeping!"

Ken's eyes snap open and he touches his face where Aya hit him. He blinks rapidly and then nods. "Ok."

Aya tries to make Ken stand up, but his knees keep buckling. Finally Aya gives up and hoists Ken onto his shoulder. "Make sure he doesn't fall asleep, Youji."

"Okie-dokie." I walk behind Aya and occasionally tap Ken on the head so that he looks up at me. I feel kinda bad now. I mean I'm even bigger than Aya, I should have been able to carry Ken. I didn't need to call Aya. Aya should have just told me to carry him up… he didn't really need to come down here.

Omi is waiting for us at the harbormaster's. He comes forward worriedly fussing over Ken who is now beginning to get his wits back. "Is he ok?" Omi squeaks. He looks pointedly less green than before.

"I'm fine," Ken slurs. "C'n I ge' 'ff now?"

Aya plops him down and puts his hand against Ken's forehead. Ken smiles and leans into the touch. Again with the eyebrows.

"Hi, koi…." Ken says softly.

"Shhh," Aya hisses sharply.

Omi doesn't seem to be paying much attention. He is gathering his weapons together. "… a loss of four! Can you believe that, Yotan?! A loss of four darts!" I hear him say. I blink. I look at Omi, I look at Ken and Aya, I look at the night sky. Well I'll be fucked.

I grab Omi and squeeze him. He makes that funny squelching sound again. "Haha! Oh, Omittchi, I'm nearly there!"

The poor bishounen squirms and pushes away from me. "Get off!" I hug myself and giggle maniacally.

"Oh the pieces. How they will fall into place. How they will fall," I exclaim gleefully. Just then Aya hoists Ken to his feet and begins to steer him away, back towards our vehicle of choice.

Aya looks back at us. "Let's go."

I smile slyly and wink. "Whatever you say, fearless leader."

* * * * * *

I watch as Aya helps Ken to his room. I am beginning to doubt my conclusions. Come on. That's ridiculous. I mean… really. Right? Ken was delirious. Concussion delirious. I'm still sure he's getting booty from somewhere. But from…. Nah. That's just… nah. I shake my head and smile at myself. Omi bounds up the stairs in front of me.

"Bed time!" he cries gleefully, flying down the hallway, slamming his door happily behind him. As soon as the door is shut I can hear music playing loudly. Oh the little rituals. I follow after the kid and stop as I notice that Aya's door is open. Aya never leaves his door open. Curiosity overtakes me. Even though I know there is nothing interesting in Aya's room I have to poke my head in just because the door is open.

I push it open just a fraction wider and stick my head in and it hits me. The smell. That smell! This is the core of the smell! It isn't a bad smell… much the opposite. It makes me smile. It's so… intangible, less a smell than a sense. But it's definitely coming from Aya's room. But what the hell is it?! It's something I've smelled so many times that I hardly even noticed it at first. Why can't I put my finger on it? What is…

Suddenly Omi bursts out of his room already decked out in his goofy pajamas. He leaps into the hallway, music following him. "'I smell sex and candy here!'" he screams along with the music. It's in English but I know exactly what he said.

Snap! The ka-ching sound goes off, the light bulb turns on. That's the smell! It -is- sex! Aya's room smells like sex! My mind it blown. I stand there as Omi dances his way to the bathroom.

Wait. It's process time. Aya's room smells like sex. Aya is happy. Ken is tired. Ken said koi. Ken said koi to Aya. Ken has been getting booty. So, apparently, has Aya. Without any hint of bringing in or going out for significant others. Oh, the pieces fall in place. Late night fight my ass! Ken and Aya are both getting booty! Each other's! Holy fuck! I hug myself. I'm so clever. Just one more test to be sure.

I walk down the hallway, beaming with my newfound secret. Ken's door is partway open. Aya didn't bother to shut it behind him. Rather uncharacteristically sloppy of our leader. I peer into the room, hanging back enough so as not to be noticed. They are both sitting on Ken's bed. Ken is shaking his head dazedly; his assassination clothes have been removed and he's already in his boxers and t-shirt. Aya's coat is lying over the back of Ken's desk chair. His gloves are laid neatly on top. I watch with wide eyes as he leans forward and places a hand gently on Ken's face, turns his head to examine the gash in his hairline, and then softly kisses him on the cheek. Ken flinches away, touching his head and then collapses forward into Aya's arms, his head buried in his shoulder. Aya kisses Ken's hair and rubs his back.

I pull back from the door and brace myself against the wall. My eyes are so wide I'm sure I look like Omi. I put a hand up to my mouth and smile wickedly. "Busted!" I hiss. Content with my findings I run a hand through my hair and exhale softly. This is going to take some processing. I squeeze my eyes shut and then pull away from the wall and saunter to my room. This is going to be good.

* * * * * *

Ah, morning. And what a morning it's going to be. Shop opens late on Tuesday. After all, nobody shops on Tuesday. I get out of bed, throw on a shirt, tie off my flannel bottoms, and walk downstairs. Aya is sitting alone at the kitchen table sipping a cup of tea, reading the investment page of the paper. I slide into the chair next to him and smile, propping my chin in one hand. After a moment he realizes that I'm not going to go away and he looks at me with narrow eyes.

"What?" he snaps.

"Oh, nothing. I just thought that maybe we should have a little… family meeting today," I say, smiling evilly.

He arches one fine red eyebrow but doesn't betray any emotion. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Just to… discuss things. Certain things. You know, clear the air, get those festering secrets out into the open," I nod quickly.

Aya pauses mid sip and then continues. "If you say so."

"Oh I do," I answer and then get up, stretching. "You should go get Ken. He definitely needs to be there. I'll fetch the bishounen." I slap Aya on the back.

I walk away up the stairs. I hear Aya mutter something unpleasant under his breath. I jog to Omi's room and fling his door open. Poor kid's all tangled up in his sheets. I tackle him, diving onto the bed. He screams as he wakes up.

"Get up, Omittchi! I told you something was up and you are about to find out what!"

He thrashes around and smacks at me feebly. "Get off!"

I yank back his covers, forcibly untangling him from the sheets. He shivers at the sudden exposure. "Ai-yah!" he cries.

I get up again and throw his bedclothes to the floor in a heap. "Let's go, bishounen. We're having a team meeting downstairs."

He rubs his eyes and starts to pull himself out of bed as I walk away. I notice that Ken's door is open as I pass and trot down the stairs. I can hear Aya's voice coming from inside. I smile to myself. This is probably really evil of me, but secrets like this should not be kept from the people you are living with.

I plop myself down on the overstuffed chair and wait. Omi follows me in and sits on the floor by the coffee table. He puts his head down and starts to mock snore. I nudge him with my toe and he bats me away.

"What's the meeting for?" he asks sleepily. "Is Manx here?"

"Nope. It's not that kind of meeting."

He grumbles. "Well what kind of meeting is it then?"

"A 'family meeting,'" I say.

"Whatever…."

I look up as Ken and Aya finally join us. Ken doesn't look so good. His eyes are wide and ringed with dark circles. He looks over at me hastily and I twinkle my fingers at him, smiling. He balks and looks over at Aya. Aya looks like he's ready to shove my balls down my throat. He takes Ken's hand in his and leads him to the couch. They both sit. Ken stares at the floor. Aya glares at me.

Omi looks up blearily and yawns. "Now what?"

"This is what, Omittchi," I say. I point a finger at Ken and Aya. "You two… ohhh, you… and you…," my finger darts back and forth between them and I try to think of what exactly to say. I shake my head.

"What us, Kudou?" Aya says dangerously.

I look over at him and shake my head again. "Look, Aya, you've got the wrong idea here, ok. I don't really care what you two want to do with each other. I'm not judging you, whatever. I just don't think that you should keep it a secret. You're busted… so busted. Admit it."

Omi looks up and looks over at Ken and Aya. "Admit what? Who's busted?"

Aya glares at me. Ken squeezes his eyes shut. Poor kid. Maybe I shouldn't have rushed this…. Too late now. I lean forward and jab a finger at Aya and Ken. "You two are fuck buddies," I say evenly.

Ken whips his head up. "We are not!" he cries. He grips Aya's hand tighter. "We are not, 'fuck buddies!'" He spits the words. Omi's eyes are big as saucers.

"Oh come on, Ken, get over it! I figured it all out, don't try to deny it! Don't look so devastated. I'm not condemning you. I've had my share of homo-moments; I'm not a hypocrite. I just think you two need to get it out in the open. This secret keeping shit is making both of you weird, high strung, and grumpy. Just admit it and that'll be that," I snap.

Ken stands up, letting go of Aya's hand. "Alright fine! I admit that Aya and I are… on intimate terms," he cries. Aya puts his head in his hand and shakes it slowly. "But we are not 'fuck buddies!' That is the crudest thing I've ever…." He cuts off and stands there shaking with indignation.

Omi looks back and forth between Ken and me. "Wait…," he says slowly.

Ken sits back down and leans against Aya, burying his face in his shoulder. "I don't care any more! I can't take any more of this."

Aya slips an arm around him and turns to whisper something into his ear. I watch them, fascinated. Omi looks confusedly from one to the other.

"Ok, Ken," I say, "if you're not fuck buddies, just what exactly are you? Don't tell me that you're…." The way Aya looks over at me makes me shut up. Ken looks up from Aya's shoulder. His eyes shift to glance at Omi who is now sitting at full attention, hands spread on the table. Ken's eyes dart back to look at me and then look down. His arms snake around Aya's middle and hold him close. He doesn't say anything.

Are they snuggling? I raise one eyebrow. This isn't what I thought at all….

"We are together. We have feelings for each other," Aya says calmly. Ken kisses his shoulder softly and hides his face again. I feel my mouth go dry. I look over at Omi. He looks about how I feel. His mouth is slightly open, he's staring at Ken. Somebody just lost his best friend.

"Wait a second," I say sharply. "Are you telling me that you and Ken believe that you are… in –love- with each other? That's ludicrous!"

Aya's eyes flash dangerously, and I know I've overstepped my bounds. "Say what you want. I know how I feel. I know how Ken feels. You can feel however you want to about that. But just remember who's in charge in the end. This doesn't change anything as far as Weiss is concerned."

I sit back and look Ken and Aya over. I can see it now. The bonds. The caring. It's a little painful to see. I'm not exactly sure why… but it's probably because I'm not a part of it. I blink. Shit. This is really… something.

Ken stands suddenly. He looks down at the floor and then bows shallowly. "There, now you know," he says softly, "I'm going back to my room. Excuse me." He turns and walks towards the stairs, he runs a shaky hand through his dark hair. This really shook him up. I feel like a bastard.

Omi still looks like he can't figure out what's going on. He glances over at Aya who is staring resolutely at the backs of his hands, which are on his knees. "I'm glad that…. I hope… I hope you make each other happy," he says trying to smile. Then he stands and rushes from the room.

That leaves Aya and me. He looks over at me. He's not smiling, and neither am I. "Zakennayo," I hiss through my teeth. "Damn it, Aya, I would never have done this if I'd ever imagined that you and Ken were serious. I just thought… we should all know… share the wealth." I shake my head.

"Yeah well, fuck the wealth, Youji. Do you have any idea how bent Ken has been about this? How fucking scared shitless he's been about you and Omi knowing? Thanks for confirming his fears."

I swallow hard. "I'll talk to him. Look, if this is for real… I can't say anything to that. I admit it's a little hard to understand, but hey I'm a New Aged Sensitive guy, right? I can accept you and Ken. Sure. Why not?"

Aya glares at me. "Thing is, Youji, I don't give a crap if you accept us or not, so don't tell it to me. Tell it to Ken."

"I will."

"Good." With that he stands and walks away, one hand in his pocket. I sit back and run my hands over my face. Great, just great.

* * * * * *

(POV Change)

I race into the kitchen. I'm trying to pull this all into perspective, trying to work it out in my mind. Ken and Aya… are… lovers?! No, they aren't just lovers they are in some sort of a –relationship-! Isn't that what Aya was saying, isn't that what Ken was so indignant about?

Ken….

I need a glass of water.

I open one of the cupboards and grab a glass; my hands are shaking. I flip on the tap and fill the glass. I bring it to my lips and drain it in a matter of seconds. I feel slightly better. I set the glass down and grip the counter. I close my eyes. I'm not sure what I feel more: angry at the fact that Ken didn't tell me, resentful towards Aya for becoming closer to Ken than I ever can, relieved that there's a reason for Ken's strange behavior, or happy that two of the most important people in my life have found happiness in each other? I should be happy for them, shouldn't I? Then why am so frustrated?

I feel a heavy hand on my shoulder and jump, nearly banging my head on the overhanging cupboards. I turn around. Aya is staring at me with intense eyes. I subconsciously pull away from him, backing farther into the counter. His grip tightens on my shoulder. I blink rapidly and look away.

"Are you ok, Omi-kun?" he asks. There is a certain amount of concern in his voice. Am I ok? Sure I'm ok, no cuts or bruises. But that's not what he means. What he means is 'am I ok with this morning's revelations.'

I look up at him and clear my throat. I nod hesitantly. I try to smile, I'm pretty sure I fail miserably. "I will be," I say softly.

Aya's lips twitch at the corners and he ruffles my hair. He turns to leave. "Any time you want to talk," he says waving at me over his shoulder.

I do want to talk. But not to Aya. I want to talk to Ken. I need some sort of explanation for all this. I watch as Aya walks up the stairs. He doesn't go into Ken's room. Good. I get another glass of water drink it down and then race up the stairs. I stop at Ken's door and then turn the handle, opening it a crack. I stick my head inside. It's dark. It smells like Ken. It's warm.

"Can I come in?" I call softly.

Ken looks over at me from where he is sitting on his bed. His legs are drawn up against his chest his arms wrapped around them. He looks miserable. I wonder if he's been crying. "Sure."

I walk into the room and close the door behind me. I walk over to his bed and flop myself down next to him. I dig my toes into his carpet and fiddle with his bed cover. I think about what may have been going on in Ken's bed lately and put my hands in my lap. He notices and snorts disdainfully though his nose, looking away from me.

We sit in silence. I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to get Ken angry with me. But I have to admit that I am rather confused about the whole thing. Finally I look over at him and he looks up to meet my eyes.

"Um… so you and Aya are…." I trail off. Ken smiles sadly and nods, putting his face back in his knees.

"How long have you been… together?" I ask.

He talks into his legs. "A little over a month."

My mouth falls open. A month?! They've been doing this behind our backs for over a month!? Ken notices my face and chuckles nervously. "Why didn't you tell me?" I blurt out.

Ken raises his head and looks at me intently. "Why didn't I tell you…?"

"Yeah. Why did you keep it a secret? You could have told me!"

Ken looks surprised. He hadn't expected this. "Omi… I just didn't want you to… to be weirded out by it. I didn't want you to think of me any differently. I didn't know how you would take it!"

"So you wait around for Youji to figure it out?! 'Cause obviously it was much easier to hear it from him than from you!" I snap.

"Look this isn't how I wanted you to find out! I… I wanted to tell you but I needed to wait for the right time. Don't you think I've had a hard enough time dealing with this myself?! I never planned on falling in love with Aya and this has been really hard!" he cries. He runs the back of his hand across his eyes. Is he fighting back tears?

"Well you still should have told me anyway! I'm your friend, Ken, in fact I think of you as my best friend. I wouldn't have rejected you if you'd told me. I would have supported you, I do support you, but I feel betrayed that you didn't think you could tell me!" I crawl up onto the bed so that I am sitting next to him. I put my arm around his shoulders. I feel kinda weird… should I be putting my arm around Ken? I don't want him to think…. I shake my head. That's stupid, he wouldn't think that.

"So you're ok with it, right?" he asks after a few moments.

I take a deep breath. "Yeah. Whatever makes you happy, Kenken. God knows we've all had little enough happiness."

He chuckles. "Too true."

We sit like this for a few minutes. I wonder what he's thinking. I should say something. I have so many questions. "Can I ask you some things?"

He looks over at me and smiles. "Of course, anything you want."

I let go of his shoulder and pull my legs into lotus position. I play with my toes. "So… have you always been…."

"Gay?" He breaks in as I flounder.

I try not to giggle nervously and nod. 

"I don't think so, I mean there was Yuriko," he says slowly. "I don't really think I am now, you know. I mean… I don't find other men attractive, really. It's just Aya-kun. I'm still attracted physically to women, but I –love- Aya. It didn't start out physical at all."

I look over at him. "Start out physical… so that means that it's physical now, right? Have you and Aya…?"

He looks over at me and a trace of a blush chases across his cheeks. He nods and smiles softly. "Yeah, we have."

I swallow and blush as well. I look down into my lap and go back to playing with my toes. "Oh," I say softly. Now I'm really curious. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I close it again and take a breath.

"What?" Ken asks, there's a laugh in his voice.

"Well… what was that like?" I ask in a rush. I look over at him; we're both blushing rather furiously.

He punches my arm. "Omi!" He laughs.

"What?! You don't have to give me details, I'm just curious! I mean… with Aya…."

He laughs again and hugs his knees tighter. He smiles distantly and I know he's not thinking about me sitting next to him on the bed. "It's… I can't explain."

I roll my eyes. "Just pick an adjective. Is it horrible, wonderful, nice, hellacious, scary, weird, forgettable, awesome, vile, sticky? What?!"

Ken really laughs this time, "Yeah, that's it, Omi-kun, it's 'sticky!' Give me a break! Ok fine, it's nice. It's very nice. It's… it's wonderful, but kinda strange too. But mostly it's just nice, nice to be with someone like that… someone you feel that way about. And in actuality it is kinda sticky…."

"Ok, that's enough information for now," I say sharply. We giggle. After a few more moments I stretch my legs out and start to get up. "Well, I should go get dressed, and Youji made a mess of my bed sheets this morning when he got me up, so I have to fix them."

"'K." Ken smiles at me. I walk to his door and pause. I look back over my shoulder.

"Thanks for telling me, even if it had to go through Youji first."

"Thanks for being ok with it. It really means everything to me that you guys can accept this."

I smile. "Like I said, whatever makes you happy, Kenken."

  


* * *

[1] onna tarashi pretty much means 'player.' A party boy.

[2] putaro is basically 'lazy bum'

Comments: One more chapter to go! Whee! Hope everyone is still enjoying the story. Dun be shy about leaving comments, ne? ~_^ 

Disclaimer: I dun own the boys, we all know that. 


	7. Drawing to a Close

I've spent the day on autopilot. Youji and I are on closing duty tonight, so I spent most of the morning alone in my room after Omi left just thinking about everything. I'm so glad that Omi came to talk to me. I was really worried about how he was going to take this, but now I know it's going to be ok. Right? Everything is going to be fine….

Then why do I feel so… uneasy? Was it Youji's words? Was it the fact that he said it was ludicrous for Aya and I to think we were in love? Is it? Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if we aren't just making this whole thing up because it's easier than being alone. Easier than not having anyone to share the pain with, not having anyone to take the pain away. Because we are the same. Like likes like. But even so… if that's the reason we came together, does that make what I feel for him any less valid?! Love is love, regardless of the reason it exists. Hmph, now I'm just chasing myself around in circles. How many times have I had this same train of thought over and over again?

Why should it matter to me what Youji thinks? Aya's right, to hell with him!

**'Don't tell me you honestly think you're in love!' 'What the hell would you know about it, you're just a player!'**

That's what we'd said when it was Yuriko I had these feelings for. Why was it happening again? Why is it so hard for Youji to accept the fact that we can love people? Maybe he's forgotten how. What the hell –would- he know about it? He can't know how Aya and I feel… he can't understand.

So why do I care so damn much?! Because Youji, insensitive bastard that he is, is my friend. His opinion matters to me. His acceptance matters to me. I should talk to him. I should tell him how I feel about all this, ask him what he thinks, ask him why he cared in the first place….

This dialogue with myself has been chasing around in my brain all day. I've carried it with me while I watered the plants, while I potted, while I helped customers, and I still don't have any answers, and I still haven't been able to bring myself to talk to Youji. He's been sitting in his corner and pruning his fichus all day. I've noticed him watching me every once in a while. I wonder what he's thinking.

Other than my one sided dialogue the day has been painfully boring. After this morning's meeting we've all been pussy footing around each other. Even Aya has been giving everyone a wide berth, including me. But that's good. Nerves are on edge, tempers are short. The highlight of the day was when Aya got off of his shift and actually kissed me before leaving! I nearly fell flat on my ass. It was the first time I'd ever kissed him in front of anyone else, and even though the shop was empty and it was just Omi and Youji, I couldn't help but feel a little thrill of excitement at knowing we could do this now. No more secrets.

But now it's just me and Youji and the eerie silence between us alone in the shop. We're closing at seven, and that gives us another hour and half to pretend that we're not uncomfortable. I'm just still so mad at him. There are a million better ways he could have confronted us than the one he chose. 'Fuck buddies?!' Jesus! To think that I would actually be callous enough to have a relationship completely based on sex with Aya! Yeah, ok so maybe in Youji's twisted, affection starved mind it seemed like the only plausible conclusion, but I didn't even -want- to have sex with Aya when this whole thing started. It's so not about the sex! Grrrr. Just thinking about Youji assuming so makes me angry.

He belittled our feeling for each other. He assumed that we were like him. He cornered us just to watch us squirm. He… he… he makes me so mad!

I throw the brick of flower foam that I was taking to use in an arrangement across the room without even thinking about it. It waffles in the air and bounces off a potted petunia. Oops.

Youji looks over at me and raises one of his obnoxious, haughty eyebrows. I don't look at him I just stomp over to the brick and pick it back up.

"What's gotten your knickers in a twist?" he drawls. My hand constricts around the green foam, crushing it, reducing parts of it to green dust.

"Nothing," I grate between my teeth. "Nothing at all."

Youji stands up. "Alright, come on, Ken. Let's… let's just have a little talk, ok? Let's just clear things up, can we do that?"

I glare at him. I stomp to the arranging table and set the deformed foam brick down. "There isn't anything I want to talk to you about, Youji."

"Are you still mad at me? About this morning?" he asks, trying to sound incredulous, trying to make me feel like the idiot. It isn't going to work. "Aw, c'mon, Kenken, that's old hat, old news. Look if it will make you feel better, I'm sorry, ok? Can we talk now?"

I grab the vase I want to put the arrangement in and viciously stuff the green foam down its narrow throat. It makes a pitiful squeaking sound. "Fine," I growl, "what do you want to talk about, Yotan?" I punch his name.

He sighs and hangs his head. "Ok, look," the sudden change in his tone makes me raise my head. He sounds so serious all of a sudden. He comes to sit in a chair across from me and puts his arms on the table, leaning forward. "I told Aya that I would talk to you, so I'm going to. But just to let you know I'm not talking to you because Aya said so, I'm doing it because I want to get things straight with you and me."

"Whatever," I grumble, but he has my attention. "Go ahead and talk."

"First of all I want to apologize again for being an ass this morning. I really thought that you and Aya… were… just sleeping together, and that kinda secret isn't fair to keep from the rest of us."

"I don't see how that would have been any of your business either," I snap.

"Well, the rest of us might have been 'interested' to know," he says suggestively.

I blink at him rapidly. Wait is Youji saying that…. 'I've hade my share of homo-moments.' Guess I didn't really think about that comment until just now. Oh, ewww… Youji. Not a happy thought. I don't know where he's been…. My train of thought must have flickered across my face.

"I can see you are highly amused by the idea, Kenken. But in a situation such as that you really ought to share the wealth, don't you think?"

"There is no wealth, Youji, there's just me and Aya, together... only."

"Well, obviously I realize that –now- but at the time I thought… well you know what I thought," he says, waving a hand dismissively. "Anyway, as I was saying, I apologize for being an ass and cornering you guys like that. It was rather insensitive."

"Oh really, I hadn't noticed," I say under my breath.

"Alright, now cut that out, I'm trying to be nice here. Listen, Ken, Aya told me what a hard time you've been having with this, and worrying about us knowing. So I want to say that if it's for real, and you and Aya really have found love… then… that's great. Good for you. I admire you for putting yourself thought that kind of emotional hell with Aya… no seriously… Ken," he says, looking up, making eye contact. "If you and Aya are truly in love with each other I want you to know that I accept and support you 100%." He smiles.

I look down. "Thanks, Yotan," I say quietly. "It really means a lot to me to hear you say that."

"I know. That's why I said it," he replies. "Just don't start crying or anything. Ugh."

I chuckle. "Don't worry, Youji, just because I take it like a girl doesn't mean…." Where the hell did that come from?! I cut myself off and bite my lip.

Youji is staring at me with huge eyes and then he bursts into laughter, holding his stomach. "I can't believe you just said that out loud!! Oh my god, that was priceless!" he cries between chuckles.

I'm so embarrassed. I feel my cheeks turning bright red and furiously jab a few innocent flowers into the green foam at the bottom of the vase. After a few moments I start to laugh with Youji in spite of myself. It really is kinda funny.

When the humor has subsided we look up at each other rather shyly and giggle a little more.

"So, are we cool, Kenken?"

I nod. "Yeah, we're cool, Yotan. Thanks."

"No problem. Now just be careful with that foam stuff, it isn't good to be so abusive of your trade tools," he quips, standing up and going back to his stool across the shop.

I sigh. Thank god that's over with. I feel so much better now. It really does mean everything to me that both Omi and Youji are going to be ok with this. I mean, they're my peers, my co-wokers, my teammates… no they're more than that, these guys are my family. I've already lost one family…. I think that's why I was so worried about them finding out. It was hard enough being rejected once, I don't think I could have handled being rejected a second time. Aya or no Aya.

As the day slowly draws to a close it is these thoughts that occupy my mind as I go about the rest of my tasks before we close shop. When it's all over I hang up my apron next to Youji's and we walk slowly upstairs. I remember that early encounter with Aya on these stairs. I remember how angry I'd been at him for messing with me. I snort softly under my breath. It all worked out in the end. Youji casts me a glace and raises his eyebrow.

"Don't tell you did it on the stairs. I know what those little reminiscent sounds mean," he says.

I glare at him. "No, Youji, we didn't do it on the stairs. I was just remembering something Aya said to me here."

"Ooohh, sweet nothings on the stairs," he quips.

I snort again. "Hardly. More like, 'bitchy confrontation on the stairs.'"

"Hm." Youji thinks for a moment as we reach the top and walk into the apartment. "You'll have to tell me the whole story someday, Ken-kun. I'd be interested to know how this whole thing got started."

I look at him warily. "Yeah, maybe someday."

He shrugs and heads for the kitchen. "Suit yourself. I'm going to make some soup."

I nod and then walk into the living room. I'm not really very hungry. I can see Aya's red head poking up from the top of the couch. I smile and walk around to the other side. He looks up at me, his dark eyes blinking slowly. "Did you talk to Youji?"

I nod and walk in front of him. "Yeah, I did."

"Do you feel better?"

I nod again. "Yeah, I do."

He smiles sincerely at me and then takes me around the waist, pulling me towards him. "Good," he murmurs huskily. "That means I can kiss you on the couch."

"Yeah, it does."

His hands pull me towards him and then down into his lap so that I have to straddle his legs. I kneel on the couch with him beneath me. I brace my hands on the back cushion as he releases my waist and brings his cool, slender hands to my face. We gaze into each other's eyes, love passing silently between us. Then he starts with my neck and works his way up to my ear, licking the soft spot below my earlobe. I giggle softly as he tickles me, and I lean forward to growl in his ear.

His strong hands slowly caress my face, and pull my head back, his thumbs brushing the hair from my eyes. I'm overwhelmed with my need for him. I pant softly as he brings our lips together. Did I say I wasn't hungry… well not for soup anyway. I try to press against him and deepen our kiss, but he holds my face firmly in his hands and holds me back, gentling my advances. Our lips brush together and flutter apart again and again. It's touch and go, but that's ok. I like touch and go. I like it a lot. He kisses my face, my cheeks, my eyes and I do the same for him. Little sighs are uttered between us. Near silent whispers fills our ears and throats. Our lips meet again and this time I feel the slightest trace of his tongue along my lips. It tickles. I love the way it tickles.

My hands begin to move of their own free will, releasing the couch and wandering over his strong shoulder, down his chest. My fingers work the fabric of his shirt and clutch at him as if he might dissolve into smoke and mirrors. He releases my face and then tugs sharply on my hips, rolling against me. I open my mouth against him and groan loudly as the friction between us sends little shiver all through me. I feel his tongue slip between my lips and we both moan softly against each other.

"Alright! No… just no, that is enough of that! You two get a room!" Youji's voice breaks the spell that we have woven around each other and our lips part with a rather startled smack.

"Yeah, really. Some of us came down here to watch TV," this from Omi who has appeared from thin air.

Aya and I both glance over at Youji who is holding a large bowl of noodles and Omi who is hovering at his elbow. Both look rather uncomfortable, but they can't look as uncomfortable as Aya and I do. Guess we let the whole 'kiss on the couch' thing get out of hand.

I glance at Aya as I feel my face flushing deeply. Even his cheeks are pinker than usual.

"Just cause you guys are out of the closet doesn't mean you have to be out of the closet all over the house. Jesus I think I just lost my appetite and after I made these really good noodles, too. Get a room!" Youji cries again stalking into the living room and plopping down into the armchair.

I begin to unfold myself from Aya's lap, rolling over onto the couch beside him. He stands up suddenly and grabs my hand. "Alright, we will."

He tugs me up from the couch and begins to lead me out of the room. Omi rolls his eyes and waves at us as we go by and then he turns and goes to watch TV. I giggle as Aya drags me along behind him. This is great. I might actually get some sleep tonight. Now that the others know, we can make love whenever we want to, not just at one o'clock in the morning! Sweet!

I grab Aya's arm, hugging it tightly as we hurry up the stairs. "I love you, koi," I say breathlessly.

He smiles at me and quickens his pace. "I love you more."

Finally. This is ok. Aya and I are ok, and Omi and Youji think so too. I'm so happy.

Aya pushes our door open and has me halfway naked by the time we reach the bed. As he pushes my shoulders back and I lie down, gazing adoringly into his beautiful eyes he smiles gently and a wave of relief passes over me. It feels like a long journey is over. Like some endless saga is finally drawing to a close.

FIN

Comments: Well that's it folks! I hope that it lived up to everyone's expectations, and that it was duly enjoyed by all.  Leave a comment on your way out and let me know what you thought. ~_^  Glad to finally get this back up.  Oi vey, classes are killing me this semester. *sigh* Oh well, complaining never fixed anything, ne?  *puts nose back to the grindstone* Wish me luck.  Later, minna-san!

Disclaimer: All characters and concepts belong to their respective owners, none of which happen to be me. 


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